The Smitty Plan For Easy and Abundant Points

The secret is to work hard to discover and make a list of the things she likes

As a disclaimer, some credit must go to Gary Chapman, who in 1992 published The Five Love Languages, referenced before in these columns. This book helped me understand that people have different ways of expressing and accepting gestures of love and affection. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s definitely worth a careful reading no matter where you might be in life. The five love languages are

1. Words of affirmation

2. Quality time

3. Receiving gifts

4. Acts of service

5. Physical touch

Chapman’s book includes a diagnostic tool to determine which love languages matter most. He also explains how these love languages differ for men and women. It belongs on everyone’s bookshelf of favorite reference works, and believe me, we can all use some updating in this area now and then.

Now Smitty’s plan plays off the five love languages to set up scenarios where personal points can be accumulated. I think of points as positive credits that I get when I do something good/positive/loving for my spouse. They aren’t listed on paper and they aren’t accumulated in a place, but I’m here to tell you it’s easy to tell when you have plenty of them and it’s even easier to tell when your points account is way short. Let’s put it this way. When the points account overflows, life is good. When the points account is low, declining, or hasn’t been filled lately, life could be lots better. You get the idea, I’m sure.

The secret is to work hard to discover and make a list of the things she likes. Making this list takes time and should never be considered complete. What I put on the list is things that delight her. It has been a journey of discovery because some things I just assumed would be delightful to her are no longer on the list.

The list is a reflection of what we have become and what we really are. Everyone’s list will be different, and that’s both good and bad. The bad part is that you can’t go somewhere and look up her list. It has to be created especially for her. The good part is that you’ll get lots of points for creating a list especially for her. It’s worth it.

So let me give some examples of things I put on her list. She likes flowers, of course, but I discovered that she likes them better when I put thought into them. I could buy a bouquet and hand it to her, but what works better is to select flowers that look even better with baby’s breath or another flower. When I bring these home and sneak them into the house, arrange them as artfully as I can, place them in my favorite antique vase and surprise her with them, then the points are multiplied. There are points for the surprise, for the arrangement, for the selection, and for using a vase that’s meaningful to me. Points galore!

Some things are so easy it’s ridiculous. Take grocery shopping. I always loved going to the grocery store even as a kid. As a boy I mostly thought about eating, exploring in the woods, reading, and escaping the drudgery of school. Grocery stores being full of things to eat, I looked forward to that trip with my mom every week. It wasn’t long after we were married that I discovered that grocery shopping was not something my spouse really enjoyed. Having raised four kids here and overseas where shopping was a daily necessity, the charm of going shopping for food every day had worn off sometime in the distant past. It took some time, but I finally convinced her that I really enjoyed going grocery shopping. She still doubts it now and then, but I’m persuasive enough to get her to believe me. 

So I reap lots of points every few days when I head to the local supermarket and spend some happy time shopping and looking at what is there from all over the world. As with flowers, thoughtfulness and surprises are not unwelcome. That makes doing the shopping a win/win for me. More points!

My years in graduate school poverty sharpened my economizing skills.

I would use the same pan for my meal prep for a week, or even more. After all, anything that was living in it would be eliminated when I heated it up the next time, right? Turns out she isn’t impressed with that kind of economy. She wants a fresh pan for every meal. Well, that’s a small enough concession. It seems silly to me, but consider the return on investment! Every once in a while she checks to see if I’m only using them once, and when I pass, my point totals go up yet again. I even go out of my way to clear off dishes and load the dishwasher correctly. She likes the sound of the dishwasher sanitizing our dishes, and that’s good enough for me. My points runneth over!

I love mowing grass. Duh. There’s another slam dunk that keeps the points rolling in. Want to give her one of those jaw dropping moments? When she’s otherwise distracted, take the spray cleaners and soft scrub and cleaning rags and brushes into her bathroom and make the place shine. When you’re done, say nothing and wait for her to discover it. You’ll be showered with points. If she doesn’t have to ask you to do it, then it’s double points.

Do your own laundry and offer to do hers separately. If she’d rather not cook, take that over and make your specialties alongside hers. That way you can have steak more often. The possibilities are endless.

She needs her quiet time. At first this frightened me deeply, but I have come to accept it as a real requirement. I like my own quiet time, after all, and in agreeing to this need for quiet and reflection I discovered that she also treasures the quiet time we have together on a daily basis. Sometimes this is just quietly talking to each other and other times we share something together such as our favorite British dramas and comedy shows. We have watched Jeremy Brett as Sherlock Holmes, Martin Clunes as Doc Martin, and Michael Kitchen as DCS Christopher Foyle many times. These programs and many others qualify as quality time on the love language list. We love a fire in the stove when the cold months arrive. She doesn’t want to mess with building or tending a fire, but it’s something I want to do and provide every time. She loves the primal feeling of sitting before the fire as I do, and I love the deep satisfaction that comes from cutting and curing firewood before bringing just the right pieces inside to give us a cheerful blaze. The warmth grows and surrounds us in our little house in the woods and that is a very good thing. I also get lots of points for it.

With luck and careful adherence to her list of delightful things there is every good chance that our relationship will grow and thrive, and love may grow for all we know. My wish for you, dear reader, in this golden autumn is that love will grow for you, too. Think of the points!