'Twas the Night Before Christmas
and all through the Rotunda
the DC establishment
plotted their plunder.
Nearly all were failed lawyers,
real bottom-feeders
lining up for some slop
slung by the Majority Leader,
a master practitioner
of an illicit craft,
namely doling out favors;
institutionalized graft.
When up on the rooftop
there arose such a ruckus,
it shut down the 1 AM
secret Democrat caucus.
Harry Reid asked the Senate
"What the hell is the matter?"
They replied "It's Saint Nick,
but he used to be fatter.
I guess the recession
has taken its toll
and reached all the way
to the frigid North Pole."
He dismounted quickly,
cursing the Left,
no Democrat gifts in his sleigh.
"They've screwed up the country
and stolen enough",
and, now, it's their turn to pay."
"Socialism is un-American,
a truly treacherous goal,
so nothing for them but eternal contempt,
a big red sack full of coal
and a piece of my mind they'll never forget
for a dreadful, oppressive year
marked by deficits, takeovers, a phony health crisis
and H1N1 fear.
He strode into the chamber,
walked up to the dais,
"I've a bone to pick, here",
he started to say
"While good people struggle,
just to pay rent,
and others can't find themselves jobs,
the deficit explodes,
all the treasure's been spent
and you guys are acting like slobs.
Like sharks in a frenzy,
like pigs at the trough,
so cover your ears, kids,
it's about to get rough."
"Mary Landrieu, what can I say,
by half, you're far too cute.
Three hundred million in exchange for your vote
makes you a prostitute.
It's now "Cash for Cloture",
you've created a mess
The first "Louisiana Purchase"
cost our Forefathers less.
When those not your constituents
seek a doctor, get sick,
may they never forget
your treacherous trick."
"Madame Pelosi,
who christened YOU Queen?
the American people aren't serfs.
You're divisive and evil,
your spirit is mean
and the Tea Parties weren't Astroturf.
Their protests weren't marked by violence,
they aren't like you say, backwoods hicks.
Unlike the goons in Copenhagen,
they didn't fight cops or throw bricks.
Thanks to you, lots of people
lack adequate portions
and all you can think of
is funding abortions
instead of good homes
through elective adoption
and a socialist nightmare
called the "Public Option".
There's bile in your bloodstream
and hate in your soul,
So, I've nothing for you
but a huge lump of coal."
"Harry Reid you're the leader
of this Senate Gone Wild,
You've screwed up this time,
you tempestuous child,
You've stolen our money,
I've nothing to eat
insulted the masses
with your trademark conceit
by calling the Capitol visitors "smelly"
and I no longer shake like a bowl full of jelly.
Everywhere in this country,
in all the McMansions,
the people are frightened by
your massive expansion.
What happens in Vegas,
in Vegas may stay,
but, why did you
gamble our future away?"
"Brian Baird, you're a coward
who hurls words of hurt
that health care opponents
look like men in Brown Shirts
who strove for a master race,
one that was purer
and goose-stepped in time
on parade for their Fuhrer.
And, so you retire,
your House seat is lost,
for comparing protests
to the Holocaust.
Because of the ease
with which you sold your soul,
nothing for you but this black lump of coal."
"Barack Obama, you don't get a pass,
I'm not letting you off Scott-free.
Why still hide your records
under deadbolt lock and key?
Perhaps you are usurping
the US Constitution,
with power grabs, health care, socialism
and trading in pollution.
Those on your death panel
were tasked with being thrifty
so they called for fewer mammograms
in women under fifty.
You may save some money
with these evil cuts
but women will die ARE YOU NUTS?"
"Bailouts for unions,
stacking the deck,
war on Sean Hannity,
war on Glenn Beck
fiscal insanity, breaking God's law,
muzzling Humana, attacking Limbaugh.
You've angered America,
you've sank in the polls
and increased the number
of those on the dole.
You've ruined the country,
polluted her soul,
so I've nothing for you
but this black lump of coal."
He glared at the Senate
and wrinkled his nose,
he pointed his finger
and wiggled his toes
"Were I you", he bellowed,
"I'd be filled with fear,
for 2010 is an election year.
I'd stay and weigh in
on your health care debate
but it's Christmas Eve
and the children await.
With that he turned
and walked away
back to his reindeer
and bright red sleigh.
He flew into the night
with presents in tow
and let out a mighty
"HO! HO! HO!
Merry Christmas to those
whose ears aren't of tin,
2010 is the year
of the Tea Party Win."
