DEATH PANEL 2025

(It is the year 2025. Although the health care Death Panel that was supposed to have never existed was removed in August 2009, the final bill that passed had an overlooked fine print footnote on page 762 that not only authorized such a Death Panel but made it mandatory complete with a large supporting bureaucracy. Here is a scene of a patient meeting with his Death Panel counselor.)

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PATIENT: Hi! I'm here to... COUNSELOR: YOU DIE!!! PATIENT: Huh? COUNSELOR: Sorry. I'm getting a little ahead of myself. So go ahead and justify why we need to waste a dime on your pathetic little life. PATIENT: Well, I have been told that I urgently need a pacemaker implant. COUNSELOR: Do you know how expensive pacemakers are? PATIENT: No but... COUNSELOR (interrupting): Capricorn 15's. Born 2244. Enter the Carousel. This is the time of renewal. PATIENT: What? COUNSELOR: I was just quoting from "Logan's Run." It's my favorite movie. I've seen it so many times that I've memorized the script. Remember, only the original 1976 version is worth watching, not that horrible 2010 remake. ...So how old are you? PATIENT: i'm 46. COUNSELOR: 46!!! You're way overdue for a visit to the Carousel... Oops! I mean think about how much money would be wasted on your operation. You've got no more than 20, 30 years tops to be a financial drain on society. PATIENT: But I'm an inventor who has discovered a cheaper source of energy than oil. Perhaps I have other such contributions left. COUNSELOR: Sanctuary is a pre-catastrophe code word. Used for a place of unity. ...There I go again with my "Logan's Run" quotes. Anyway, let me see how long it would be to schedule an operation... Okay, I see by my trusty pocket computer that it would take 2 weeks. PATIENT: Hey, a wait of a couple of weeks wouldn't be bad. I thought a pacemaker implant would take longer to schedule. COUNSELOR: Who said anything about a pacemaker implant? I was talking about the removal of an ingrown toenail. Think of the advantages. Much cheaper plus we can schedule it fairly quickly. PATIENT: But it's my heart that I'm worried about. COUNSELOR: Life clocks are a lie! Carousel is a lie! THERE IS NO RENEWAL! PATIENT: Huh? COUNSELOR: Sorry, another "Logan's Run" flashback. Sometimes I just can't help myself. Now as to scheduling your pacemaker implant, it is going to take at least 20 years for you to get to the front of the waiting line and you will probably be dead by then so why worry? PATIENT: Please! COUNSELOR: Say "pretty please!" PATIENT: Pretty please! COUNSELOR: With a cherry on top! PATIENT: Huh? COUNSELOR: Just a little Death Panel humor there... Of course we will schedule your operation right away, no strings attached. We aren't barbarians you know. PATIENT: That sure is a relief to hear! COUNSELOR: Just go out the door and down the hall to see Carouse...uh, I mean, Carol Swell. And be sure she stamps your National Health Card for Renewal before your life clock goes black. P.J. Gladnick lives in South Florida which is full of eccentrics which is why he feel right at home here. P.J.‘s main accomplishments in life was winning a bottle of aftershave when he was eight and having the biggest PING List (almost 1000 Pingees) on the Free Republic forum for my DUmmie FUnnies blog. This is fortunate since he suffer severely from Ping List Envy. He has written a syndicated humor column that appeared in dozens of newspapers throughout North America. Only complete humility forbids him from telling you that his columns appeared in the Houston Chronicle, St. Petersburg Times, L.A Herald-Examiner, Winnipeg Free Press, Cleveland Plain Dealer, Vancouver Sun. P.J. has produced an award-winning satirical comix website called PJ’s Comix. Among the people we viciously satirized was James Carville but I hope that Mary overlooks that. P.J. can be reached at: pjcomix@hotmail.com

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