Give Us This Day Someone Who Will Listen

A very close friend of mine is a mental health therapist. I’m an historian. We’re both in the same business, actually, the business of understanding human behavior. She works with present day behavior and past experiences. I work with present day behavior and past experiences. We have lots to talk about.

For the narrator, just finding someone who will listen without judging is such an overwhelming relief

One of the many things I’ve learned from her is that one of the greatest benefits of therapy comes from just being able to tell one’s story. Being able to narrate what happened provides a lifting of a burden that has rested on the shoulders for many years in some cases. I always thought that there had to be a story, but then the therapist had to do all the explaining to produce the benefit. It turns out just telling the story is a considerable benefit by itself. We like to be heard.

For the narrator, just finding someone who will listen without judging is such an overwhelming relief. It’s not news that many people feel isolated and unheard in today’s world. Social media allows more anonymity and superficiality, translating into loneliness and estrangement from those we were close to in the past. Family units have fractured and scattered across the country and around the world. Deliberate communications such as letter writing and talks on the front porch of an evening have become rare. Social gatherings over coffee with others in the neighborhood have become distant memories. Finding a friend or two and developing a connection can be a godsend for all involved.

Choose your listener carefully

Choose your listener carefully. One important feature of a good listener is that the person must be empathetic and able to actually hear you. If your auditor is heavily into one-upmanship, you won’t feel. If they constantly say, ‘Yeah, but my aunt was way crazier than that person!’ they aren’t listening, they’re competing. If they always have a better example or a better tale, consider shopping for a better listener.

A friend who is listening to a narrative ought to be able to discern when something just doesn’t sound right, at least at a basic level. Ideally, a therapist is able to recognize and name pathologies, or at least identify them.

Talking about a problem requires preparation. The story must be tellable. It doesn’t have to be a polished composition, but it can’t be just incoherent babbling or anguishing. The less coherent the narrative is, the harder it is for the hearer to make sense of it. As detective Friday used to say, “Just the facts, ma’am.” Descriptions and narratives build the context and the background that can help bring understanding. With a clearer and more complete story, a therapist can help a narrator understand themselves sooner.

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Many people don’t want a listener to fix their problem...They just want to be heard.

If you’re one of those people whom others seem to seek out when they want to unburden themselves, it probably means you’re a good listener. There are good listeners and some other kinds, and it’s helpful to avoid some bad listener habits.

Many people don’t want a listener to fix their problem. They just want to be heard. Listeners who jump in too soon to fix an issue reveal their lack of listening skills. Someone who wants solutions will start out by asking for help solving a specific problem.

When I talk to someone, I find it really annoying to be told that my problems are not worth talking about. When a listener always compares my narrative to his own and finds it lacking, what I conclude is that listening isn’t their forte. My problems are worth considering or I wouldn’t have brought them up. Such an exchange tells me pretty quickly that I chose my listener poorly.

For introverts, finding a good listener can take years

Minimizing comments, particularly when taken from sources I have no hope of finding, are galling. ‘You need to be more patient.’ ‘You need to follow my advice and then you’ll see where you were wrong.’ ‘It’s the way of the world. You can’t fight city hall.’ I don’t find answers from the Buddha very helpful, either. He must have had way more time on his hands than I do, and a better source of income, too.

When someone confronts me to inquire why I didn’t tell them my bad news earlier, I almost always evade the question. I probably haven’t told them because it wasn’t on my mind at the time or they’ve been a poor listener in the past.

For introverts, finding a good listener can take years. Being introverted means we spend more time in isolation, talking to ourselves. We don’t always know how to ask someone to listen. We don’t want to impose on them, and we think asking anyone to help us is just selfish, or so we were taught. I’ll just work on it myself, we say, and so we do. 

Be kind to your listeners. They’re allowed fatigue and a break now and then, too

Sometimes it works, but once in a while a good listener would be very helpful. Introverts aren’t without thoughts, they just lack the easy communication skills that seem to come naturally to those assertive extroverts. People are often astonished to find that introverts do quite a bit of thinking, too. Surprise! They never see that one coming.

Be kind to your listeners. They’re allowed fatigue and a break now and then, too. We can say, “If I get too far down the rabbit hole with this story, just wave your hands and ask for a break.” Don’t abuse their kindness and patience. Ask them if what you’re saying makes sense. Ask them if what you’re describing seems normal. Both should feel free to say, “Can we talk about this later?”

It’s okay to ask if someone has considered any kind of counselling besides the free kind you’re providing. Listeners offer kindness and support along with comfort, but they likely want some in return. That seems fair, and normal, too.

So as a listener and as a narrator, neither exploiter nor abuser be. It’s a good place for applying the golden rule.

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