Herr Obama: “Koennen Sie Deutsch?”

Earlier this year the Presumptive President of America and First Citizen of the World, Barack the Magnificent lectured Americans on how embarrassing it was that they only spoke English. To paraphrase The Presumptive President: “When Europeans come here, they speak many languages, but we go over there and we [dumb Americans] can only say ‘Merci beau coup’.” And, “Instead of worrying about whether immigrants who come here learn English, you should make sure your child learns Spanish.” When Hussein the Learned lectured us on how narrow-minded we were and how the country was simply not urbane like our European counterparts, I, for one, felt ashamed. I am certain all of us did.

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Therefore, when I heard that the Presumptive President of America and First Citizen of the World was traveling to Europe and the Middle East, with his media lap dogs, I waited anxiously to hear him speak to the world in many tongues. I had never heard a president speak Farsi and could not wait to hear that. Alas, when he spoke in the Middle East, Barack the Magnificent spoke, I believe, English. When he traveled to France, I was certain he would sweep the French off their feet by speaking flawless French and not come off just like any other uncultured American tourist walking around with a Learn French in Three Days pocket guide. Sadly, I heard no French issue from the mouth of the presumably multilingual Presumptive President at all. Certainly, when he stood before the adoring crowd of Berliners, which he would one day rule when he was elected First Citizen of the World, he would speak in flawless German to prove that not all Americans are stupid and monolingual. Yet, standing before the vast crowd of German groupies where truly great Americans have stood, and hoping for a John Kennedy or Ronald Regan moment in the sun, he began to speak, curiously, in English. Not even an “Ich bin ein Berliner,” or an “Ich heisse Barack der Grosse.” By then, I was totally deflated. Here stood our the Presumptive President of the United States and First Citizen of the World, fresh from lecturing his boorish and uncultured countrymen on their inability to speak another language and he speaks (God help us) ….er, uh….well….English. I shuddered to think what the world must think of us now. So, I threw away my You Too Can Speak Farsi, my French for Dumb Americans and my Spanish for Legal American Citizens because I was simply too disillusioned. To think our future leader was as pathetically monolingual as the rest of us, was more than I could bear. Thinking back, I guess John Kennedy and Ronald Regan did not speak German either. Yet, they may be excused; they were men of substance--great men. And they did not talk down to us, or tell us how dumb we were. To misquote a politician of yesteryear: "I knew Jack Kennedy; he was a friend of mine. But you, Senator Obama, are no Jack Kennedy.” And you are, apparently, woefully monolingual like the rest of us dummies.