“Seals on Hooves”: Why Santa’s Reindeer are Girls!

For many children, this time of year is filled with laughter, the expectation of presents, and of course, Santa. Let me just disclaimer this though, by saying that it is the children who do not have this – or that have much less – that deserve this most of all.

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But the fact remains that in the western world, where life is just that little bit cushier for most, Santa is a natural part of this time of year. Even for a Christian as myself, Santa is irrevocably a part of Christmas, and I personally long for the day where I can convince my children of his existence. But new evidence is going to throw a spanner in the works – more so than humanities lack of heat shields to protect a ballistic Santa – when it comes to reciting "A Visit from St. Nicholas.” The relevant section of the poem reads thus;

With a little old driver so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles, his coursers they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! and off and off we will fly!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!

Now, there are definite arguments to be made for the sex of these animals. Comet, Dasher and Blitzen all sound relatively male. And by and large, the eight reindeer – nine if you include the pilot Rudolph – have always been thought of as males. But according to physiologist Perry Barboza, this is not the case; at least, not the case for Santa’s antlered flying reindeer! In the animal kingdom, a male reindeer will shed their antlers at the end of the mating season, early December. Everyone of course knows that Santa’s reindeer are antlered! So the obvious conclusion is that the reindeer who haven’t used their antlers as weapons – the normally more subdued females – are Santa’s horse… reindeer-powered sleigh drivers! In addition, the female variety of reindeer at this time of year has a much larger percentage of body fat accompanying them. Barboza describes them as “seals on hooves” with sometimes several inches of fat on their rumps to keep them warm in the weather than can drop as low as 45 degrees Fahrenheit. Skeptics might at this point attempt to dissuade you by saying that an animal with such percentage of body fat would not be able to fly at such speeds as Santa requires. But I am here to remind you, they’re flying reindeers; they’re already ahead of the curve. Don’t you think it’s possible that their body fat isn’t really a problem for them anymore? Joshua Hill, a Geek’s-Geek from Melbourne, Australia, Josh is an aspiring author with dreams of publishing his epic fantasy, currently in the works, sometime in the next 5 years. A techie, nerd, sci-fi nut and bookworm.