Please pray with me that any parent, struggling with the understanding of how to raise a mature and respectful human being, will lean on Jesus and the Biblical approach to discipline, and seek the help of God and other godly friends
It was only recently, after 40-plus years of marriage, that we became grandparents. Suddenly the adult children were pushing out babies right and left, or at least it seemed that way. I am slowly learning to adjust to this new role, one in which my wife seems much more comfortable and prepared. It was only recently that I learned to stop parenting my adult children, and to only offer advice when asked. This may have been the toughest lesson I ever had to learn.
This new approach came sharply into focus on a recent visit to the home of one of my adult children. I watched with bemusement as my son began negotiating with his two year-old son on some behavioral outcome. This was painful to watch, especially as the little tyke continued to challenge his father unrelentingly. While Nana and Papa get to roll into town with gifts and fun activities that lead to bright smiles and warm greetings, we know full well from our own experiences that after the grandparents depart, it takes some time to get things back to “normal” in the household.
With the oldest grandchild, requests made to “not hit your little sister;” or to “please finish your dinner” would often go unheeded. He does enjoy active play and he’s a joy to be with when he is in the mood. We have the luxury of being able to leave when the evening bedtime treaties are being negotiated; as the parents must carry on with the task of rule enforcement. I would so much like to pass along some small tips to make my son’s life less stressful in managing this new reality. Ultimately, he will have to decide if he wants to keep up with his golf game or to invest some time in reading parenting guides. It is not my place any longer to tell him how to do this; but it is a difficult place from which to observe the tension.
My son hasn’t yet realized that he has a new job. It is no longer about nights out with the boys or keeping up with the Jones’ (although it is the Millers who live next door). His new full-time job is parenting. I honestly don’t know how we did it. I know my wife and I attended several parenting programs and read plenty of books on the subject, partly by choice but also driven by necessity. We observed and asked for advice from those who seemed to be doing a capable job as compared to ourselves.
We prayed and we worked hard and raised five kids without killing any of them, although it was touch-and-go there for a while. It was not easy, as most parents can attest. I also personally struggled with self-image and episodes of rage, and finally heeded my wife’s pleading to attend counseling for anger management. Yet somehow, by the grace of God, my kids still talk to me. I am grateful that each one of them is a healthy thriving adult who loves Jesus Christ. This is proof to me that God is still in the miracle-working redemption business, if He could take a “wretch” like me and use me to positively influence the eternal destiny of five people who knew the real me, and not only the pastor in the pulpit.
Our savior Jesus told us that when we pray, we should pray to, “Our Father” (Matthew 6:9). Jesus also said that we must receive the Kingdom of God like a child in order for us to enter it (See Mark 10:15). In essence, we can only enter the Kingdom of God by surrendering to God’s great gift of love on our behalf – the redemptive sacrifice of Jesus – and therefore we become the adopted children of our Heavenly Father (Romans 8:15 ESV). As a Loving Father, the most Holy God chooses many approaches to help His own children navigate life. The book of Hebrews talks about God in His role as a loving and tender Redeemer who uses discipline at times to grow and mature His people. He only does what is best for us. God’s development tools may include chastening or suffering (Hebrews 12:5-6). The idea that God may discipline us and use suffering to do so, is often hard for us to understand (Ligonier.org, 2004).
As children, we receive God’s chastening as His way of preparing us for eternity (see 1 Corinthians 9:24-27). God wants to change our hardened hearts to be more like His. The Bible describes this concept of discipline as providing moral training and correction, which leads us to spiritual growth and maturity (James 1:12). There are discipline passages throughout the Bible, encouraging God’s children to gain wisdom through His discipline (see Proverbs 1:1-6). The New Testament writer of the Letter to the Hebrews encouraged the followers of Christ to love God’s discipline and to expect it, because this is exactly what an earthly father would do (Hebrews 12:7-11). The Bible also encourages parents to do the same and to discipline their children (Proverbs 22:6; Ephesians 6:4). According to Proverbs 6:23, “Corrective discipline is the way to life” (NLT).
“How does this apply to my life,” you might be asking? “I’m an adult now. I certainly don’t need my parents to continue to discipline me – is that what you mean?” Let’s return to the point of discipline and its purpose in God‘s hand. Discipline in God’s hands is meant to form us spiritually and morally – it is really the way we know that we are His children (Hebrews 12:7-8). God does not send us to bed without supper or take away our favorite toy when we hit our sister with it. But God uses circumstances in our life that offer us an opportunity to lean into Him more, and to trust Him more completely.
God uses different methods to train us in righteousness. That training may involve both positive and negative features (GotQuestions.org, n.d.). God may speak though His word to guide someone to follow certain rules or to observe certain behaviors. He may need to use other methods to reprove or to correct disobedience. The trials Job endured were not a punishment for his sin, because God declared that Job was living an upright and blameless life (Job 1:8). Yet God used suffering in Job’s life as training in righteousness (Job 42:1-6), and Job emerged from his trial a better man.
Author Dr. Thomas L. Constable, in his Expository Notes on Genesis, wrote that the Israelites' removal to Egypt was a divine discipline (Constable, 2025). Jacob's sons had failed to stay separate from the Canaanites, so God, in keeping with His promise, temporarily removed them from the land that He had promised them (Constable, 2025). God wanted to keep His people as a distinct nation, but the fleshly desires of the sons of Jacob caved in to their lusts.
Even the Holy sinless Son of God was disciplined or chastened by God, even though He never sinned. The Letter to the Hebrews says it this way: “Although He [Jesus] was a Son, He learned obedience through what He suffered” (Hebrews 5:8). According to Pastor and author John Piper (Piper 2013), this means Jesus grew from one degree of obedience to another… which means that God orchestrated suffering in the life of Jesus to bring Him to a full expression of obedience, in order for Jesus to then become our source of eternal salvation – all through His obedience and ours (Hebrews 5:9).
It could be that this testing of my son by his oldest child is the redeeming opportunity that he needs in order for him to grow more firmly in his faith and to inquire of God more deeply about what the next steps would be. My son has always been a kind man, and he is becoming a wonderful father, as he adjusts to this new reality. He is not only raising his children to respect his authority; he is also raising these children to flourish under God’s authority.
Unlike my other articles, I may not push the links to this article out to many social media outlets. I wouldn’t want my son to all of a sudden decide to start reading my content and be offended. I really believe he is doing the best he can, and I would not fault him for his efforts. Please pray with me that any parent, struggling with the understanding of how to raise a mature and respectful human being, will lean on Jesus and the Biblical approach to discipline, and seek the help of God and other godly friends. As the scripture says, “At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off big-time, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God” (Hebrews 12:11 MSG).
Read next: My Father Lived in a Workers' Paradise
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