To:
flag@whitehouse.gov
Dear Obama,
While scouring the entire American media landscape; You know, your blog, MSNBC, NPR, Air America, the New York Times, the Huffington Post and the Daily Kos; I saw that your administration is looking for snitches to report "fishy" emails and websites spreading lies about the death of the insurance industry (did I say that out loud, I mean health care reform, Sorry!) Well, I don't particularly like the word snitch, preferring the term stool pigeon, but as any loyal member of the Obama Nation would attest, I'm your guy.
Well, there's something definitely fishy about this guy whose website I found. But before I forget:
These are times of great joy. You, the Savior, were born in Kapi'olani Medical Center, Honolulu, Hawaii, on August 4, 1961. Or was it Queens Hospital? Or Coast Provincial in Mombasa, Kenya? Hell, I forget, but it doesn't really matter. I'm so sick of Republicans and their conspiracy theories. I mean, who needs an organized conspiracy, anyway? Someone successfully forged your birth certificate, me and my fellow Democrats have successfully portrayed all non-believers as right-wing nut-cases and, best of all, the entire mainstream media is covering for us. YES WE CAN!!
Rep. Brian Baird was right. Conservatives are acting like Nazi Brown Shirts and they are just as creepy and dangerous as Tim McVeigh. Even the old men pushing wheelchair-bound children, and the expectant mothers down complaining about your health care bill down at my congressman's office look pretty scary. I swear, one woman who glared at my purple SEIU shirt reminded me of McVeigh's wife. Or, was that Terry Nichols' wife? You know the one... Anyway, we all know that the Republicans are coordinating these phony expressions of anger. They should be reported to your Speech Czar for their distortions of your true message.
You do have a speech Czar, right?
They say the presidency is the loneliest job of all.... But how could that be?
- You've got the most expensive public housing on the market. Rent free.
- You have lots of company in a vice-President who loves to chat... and chat... All day long.
- You've got bodyguards and limousines and your own personal chef.
- You've got a whole bunch of aircraft that you can jump in any time you want. Even though America disagrees, you can still go and apologize for our arrogance to anyone any time you want. You can fly to dinner in Manhattan, or even take some friends on an up-close sightseeing tour to get some pictures of your new ride. Or Lady Liberty. What the hell, it's only taxpayer money. And even though no one admits it, we all know that only Republicans have to pay taxes... Right?
- And for your birthday, I heard that thousands of well-wishers were kind enough to band together and send you cards on your special day.
Although I miss making fun of him, it's still a hoot to clown on George W. Bush, notwithstanding the fact that the latest CNN poll indicates that more people view your first six months as a bigger failure than Bush's - and by five points. But, "Buck Up" Barry, it's only CNN, and they've got Lou Dobbs to worry about. We've still got three and a half years left in your first term to socialize America. And, did I mention, we have the media covering for us?
Remember when Janet Napolitano told us to be on the lookout for possible domestic terrorists? Well, I don't really know what a terrorist looks like, much less a housebroken one (or are pets domestic and terrorists domesticat-ed? Damn public school!), but as I said before, there's something definitely fishy about this guy. He looks kind of seedy and fits Napolitano's profile to a "T"; he's a veteran, a heterosexual and a Christian. And he owns firearms and eats meat, but I'm still not totally sure. He doesn't have any Ron Paul or Bob Barr bumper stickers and he drives an SUV, not a Dodge. Even if he isn't a terrorist, you should still check him out anyway. He listens to talk radio and the name of his website "War of Wits" just screams violence.
On his website, this creep spouts all sorts of lies about you, your patriotism, your manhood and your plans for this country. But don't believe him for a moment, you're very charismatic; the fact that your dog's name is the same as your initials BO is a coincidence, you're not a narcissist; and no one would ever believe that you actually sleep with your Teleprompter, so, no worries there.
Anyway, I'm a little worried about Republicans. And Blue Dogs, Yellow Dogs, Independents, Libertarians, doctors, senior citizens, pregnant women, employees with health insurance and sick people. I think they're on to us. I know that we're supposed to go down there and try to disrupt them, after all, it's just manufactured anger, but they do look pretty mad. It could be just one big act, but I'm not sure. I only watch PBS, reality TV and Al Franken (When he was on SNL. God I used to love Stuart Smalley).
I also heard that we're supposed to go down there and hit these creep back twice as hard. But some of these protesters are old people. If I can't get them to hit me, can I still hit them first? They'll be the first to croak under your health care reform anyway.
Finally, I know you've got this whole health care thing figured out, but with all the anger, it's lookin' kinda iffy right now. If I hit one of these Neanderthals back twice as hard, I may break something. Being a state worker; and unemployed and having no insurance, at that; if I have to go to the hospital, who'll pay for my bills then, smarty pants? Just asking.
Your life story and humble beginnings (a manger is as humble as it gets) have been an inspiration to me and my fellow Democrats across the USA. I've got to go now. I'm on my way down to my Congressman's office for my first organizing gig. I'm really looking forward to disrupting my first Republican protest and clobbering me some uppity right-wingers. Just what I've always wanted to be; a community organizer.
