On the eve of the 2011 World Series, a group of Democratic Senators, consisting of Dick Durbin (IL), Frank Lautenberg (NJ), Richard Blumenthal (CT), and Tom Harkin (IA) urged the major league baseball players union to impose upon its members to give up the time honored tradition of tobacco chewing while playing baseball or on camera. Insisting that the use of tobacco by the players sets a bad example for youngsters watching the game, the quartet, backed by certain public health interest groups and other associations, by implication, suggested that the government may impose stronger measures if the players did not follow their gentle urgings.
Dispatched from Stoos Views Headquarters, in sunny Wynstone, South Dakota, where the air is clean, the folks are friendly, the crime rate is low and people vote red, Hugh Betcha—Chief of the Stoos Views International Health Bureau and Winner of the 2011 Nobel Prize for Public Interest Reportage--hopped the first puddle jumper out of town and flew to St. Louis to meet the Fearless Foursome outside the stadium where the first game was to be played this week. He found the four Senators huddled over a hand warmer outside the stadium, their picket signs resting against the burning barrel.
“Tell me why you are here?” Hugh inquired of the senators.
Durbin, head of the delegation, responded bluntly: “To save the youth of America, educate the players on the health risks of tobacco and, if necessary, pass a legislative ban on the use of tobacco at baseball games—if Baseball does not see it our way.”
“You mean you want to restrict adults from using a legal substance? Is that what you mean?” Hugh asked.
“You have to understand,” Harkin chimed in, “ we are United States Senators…”
“…so?”
“…so we know best what is good for Americans. That is why they elected us—to regulate their lives.”
“Where does it end then?” Hugh asked.
“What do you mean?” asked Blumenthal.
“I mean, what else is the government going to regulate?”
“Hot dogs—they are next,” asserted Senator Lautenberg, “they are not good for you and we believe they should be banned as well. Nitrites you know—bad, very bad.”
“So…”
“So,” Durbin interjected, “first the tobacco, then the killer dogs.”
“Wow, the fans are not going to like that,” Hugh replied incredulous.
“Screw em,” replied Harkin, “who knows best, the government or the common folks? I do not want them eating anything that may cause cancer.”
“And after that?”
“Alcohol,” replied Blumenthal, “no more drinking in the stands if we have our way.”
“Geeze…”
“…kills people you know,” Blumenthal responded with a patronizing pat on Hugh’s back.
“The national anthem? Don’t tell me…”
“Yep, gotta go,” replied Harkin. “We cannot force people to express anything bordering on the patriotic you know. We certainly do not want to offend those who are not here legally. There may be some illegal immigrants in the stands who would be offended or, because they do not speak English, might not understand the words. We do not want anyone to feel uncomfortable after all.”
“Cursing and yelling at the umpire, that too must stop,” said Durbin. “We plan to propose legislation prohibiting cursing at umpires or each other. It sends the wrong message to our youth and is inconsistent with the President’s pronouncements on civility. After all, we in Congress are urged by President Obama to be civil to each other and stop the name calling, and partisan attacks. We will expect the players to follow our lead in this regard.”
“So, no beer, no tobacco, no dogs, no yelling at the umps, is that about it?”
“Yes,” Harkin replied. “After all, we are from the Government and here to help you. Uncle Sugar knows best. We simply do not want kids to grow up cussing and chewing and drinking beer, eating anything bad for them and arguing with anyone. Baseball sets a bad example for them.”
In stunned silence, Hugh parted company with the foursome and left them to picket the Series. Walking across the street from the Senators he approached another group of protestors.
“May I ask what you are doing here?” Hugh inquired politely of their leader.
“We are a group of citizens urging legislation to ban certain activities detrimental to public safety, freedom, morality and the health and welfare of our children.”
“You mean chewing tobacco at baseball games, right?”
“Nope.”
“What then?”
“We want to protect our children from growing up to become the most dangerous sort of threat to our liberties…”
“…which is…”
“A liberal Democrat Senator.”
“His newest book, The Wind and the Spirit (Stories of Faith and Inspiration)” was released in 2011 with all the author’s royalties go to support the Carmelite sisters.”
On the eve of the 2011 World Series, a group of Democratic Senators, consisting of Dick Durbin (IL), Frank Lautenberg (NJ), Richard Blumenthal (CT), and Tom Harkin (IA) urged the major league baseball players union to impose upon its members to give up the time honored tradition of tobacco chewing while playing baseball or on camera. Insisting that the use of tobacco by the players sets a bad example for youngsters watching the game, the quartet, backed by certain public health interest groups and other associations, by implication, suggested that the government may impose stronger measures if the players did not follow their gentle urgings.
Dispatched from Stoos Views Headquarters, in sunny Wynstone, South Dakota, where the air is clean, the folks are friendly, the crime rate is low and people vote red, Hugh Betcha—Chief of the Stoos Views International Health Bureau and Winner of the 2011 Nobel Prize for Public Interest Reportage--hopped the first puddle jumper out of town and flew to St. Louis to meet the Fearless Foursome outside the stadium where the first game was to be played this week. He found the four Senators huddled over a hand warmer outside the stadium, their picket signs resting against the burning barrel.
