On Valentine’s Day, I asked my Creative Writing class a simple question — one I should have known would create a firestorm of controversy among young adults in their late teens and early twenties: In the business of romance, which sex — male or female — does Mother Nature favor most?
Controversy defenestrated creativity. One boy boasted that males have the advantage because they become the dominant leader and sole lover of groups of females. To illustrate, he mentioned the regal status of male lions in prides.
That boy’s remark struck a raw nerve in Rachel, usually the class’s meekest, quietest co-ed. She sprang from her seat, put her hands on her hips, and shrieked, “You’re a male chauvinist pig. Has it ever occurred to you that, in the process of competing for females, males must fight constantly with other males, while the females get to eat, sleep, and enjoy life, knowing that when one male can no longer provide protection, another will take his place?
“And, furthermore, if you are trying to draw a parallel between beasts in the jungle and beastly human males, try fooling around with another woman and let your wife find out. You’ll pay through the nose for the rest of your days.”
When every female in the class cheered, I knew which side to take.
“Great point, Rachel,” I conceded, much to the chagrin of the lusty Lotharios in the class. Then, I told them about a video someone sent me recently.
In it, a service station owner was puzzled by the fact that, for several weeks, the cash from his car wash didn’t match the number of users. So, he installed a video camera to monitor activity at the car wash.
What he discovered was shocking. Observing that people were dropping shiny objects in the car wash’s coin slot, and wanting to impress a lady starling he was courting, a male starling began flying into the slot, grasping a coin in his beak, and hurrying to the babe’s favorite hangout — a shady spot below a pumping unit on the car wash’s roof.
Indeed, she was impressed, and the mound of coins grew steadily. Mr. Starling was certain she would soon become Mrs. Starling.
“There’s your human parallel, Sir Chauvinist,” Rachel crowed. “Men beat themselves to death trying to outspend other men to gain the affection of a woman, and when the lady chooses a mate, he’s obliged to work like a dog to provide her security, while at the same time, avoiding dalliances with other women. In the end, he wears himself out, dies much sooner than his wife, and she inherits all of his money and property!”
Then she asked, “Professor, did the female starling enter connubial bliss with the male?”
“Yes, but the service station owner installed a spring-loaded door on the coin slot, which stopped the starling’s stealing.”
“What happened next?”
Sticking with my commitment to garner favor among the ladies, I said, “She did what any woman would do — she divorced him!”
Jimmy Reed is an Oxford, Mississippi resident, Ole Miss and Delta State University alumnus, Vietnam Era Army Veteran, former Mississippi Delta cotton farmer and ginner, author, and retired college teacher.
This story is a selection from Jimmy Reed’s latest book, entitled The Jaybird Tales.
Copies, including personalized autographs, can be reserved by notifying the author via email (.(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)).
