WhatFinger


Nancy Pelosi

Speaker From The Black Lagoon



Is it just me, or is Nancy Pelosi starting to look more and more like Marty Feldman? Every time I hear that grating voice it seems as if she has ventured further into the world of cartoon and satire, as if someone hooked Smurfette up to a thorazine drip. Those leviathan eyes grow in size with each passing hour, bugging out two feet in front of her body, like somebody dropped a toaster in the water while Nancy’s thyroid was taking a bath.

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I could handle the appearance of this most odious of politicians with tact and grace, if such were the only thing wrong with her. We all have our physical imperfections, and far be it from me to judge another upon their looks, or lack thereof. Lord knows, coming from the Ozarks I know plenty of people whose family trees don’t fork. I hardly bat an eye at webbed fingers, antennae, a few missing teeth, a few extra chromosomes, or hooks. On more than one occasion I’ve even had people suggest that, in reality, I might be my own grandpa. That’s just part of life. No sir, I’m not bothered by the fact that Pelosi resembles a bit player from the uncut version of Young Frankenstein. What rattles my cage is her propensity to lie with aplomb and vigor, to attempt to foist the addled values and socialist mores of San Francrisco on an American public that wants nothing of the sort. You would think that the woman’s proboscis would be growing instead of her eyes, what with the way she side-steps, obfuscates, fibs, falsifies, and consistently avoids the truth as if it was a missionary on a sugar high. Moreover, she tells her whoppers with a condescending arrogance reminiscent of the first-chair head-lopper at the Spanish Inquisition. Pelosi’s latest fanciful notion, you might be curious to know, lies in her assertion that government-run health care no longer includes any such thing as a public option. In an appearance at a Florida old-folk’s home, Pelosi took the stage to spin out her latest prevarication. Aiming her massive peepers at the audience, her patented cape buffalo hair-do cemented in place by a forty-eight ounce canister of Aquanet, she proceeded to enlighten the crowd. Nope, there’s not a public option. In Pelosi-speak, the public option shall henceforth be known as either a “consumer option” or “competitive option.” “You’ll hear everyone say, ‘There’s got to be a better name for this,’” said Pelosi, her forked tongue whipping out with lightning speed to snag a mallard-sized, Florida mosquito in mid-flight. “When people think of the public option, public is being misrepresented, that this is being paid for with their public dollars.” Huh? Does Pelosi think that the multi-trillion dollar costs of Obamacare will be funded by wampum? Will we pay for it with shells, shards of colored glass, shiny trinkets, and sparkling beads? Give me a break; should any of the myriad versions of Obamacare become law, it will be funded entirely by tax dollars. Truly, the woman seems utterly unaware that the government itself subsists on tax revenues. Does she think that all those millions allocated to save her precious salt-marsh mouse were the result of a wire-transfer from Venus? I’ve always said that there are two great dangers in the world. One of them is a hillbilly with money. The other is a moron with power. Pelosi has excelled in the second category, primarily because the voters in her district are not exactly what one would call mainstream Americans. I would guess that, for most Pelosi voters, “mainstream” would be defined as only having six nipple-rings and restricting LSD use to family get-togethers and extra-special holidays like Satan’s birthday. Small wonder that they keep electing someone who makes the Creature from the Black Lagoon seem pretty damned sexy. At any rate, this entire name-change operation is designed to confuse older voters. Florida Democratic Representative Debbie Wasserman Schultz, who appeared with ol’ Bug Eyes at the senior center, didn’t even bother to show any hesitation in revealing the plot. "I think she's going to go up and test-drive it when she goes back to Washington," Wasserman Schultz said. "It might stick." So, keep this in mind, folks. It’s not a public option. It’s a consumer option; it’s a competitive option. And, don’t let any of those nasty conservatives try and tell you that you’ll be paying for it. After all, everyone knows that the financial burden of Obamacare will be born by leprechauns, elves, and sprites. I’m really starting to miss Marty Feldman. Though she may resemble him, as a comedian Nancy Pelosi is downright terrifying.


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Ron Marr -- Bio and Archives

Ron Marr is a long-time columnist for Missouri Life magazine. He was written for the likes of Playboy, American Cowboy, Backwoodsman and USA Today, and is the author of The Ozarks . . . An Explorer’s Guide from W.W. Norton.

More of Ron’s writings can be found at his regular blog at Ronmarr.com. An accomplished luthier, you may contact him directly via his Marr’s Guitars website.


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