WhatFinger

First want to apologize for the White House’s use of the word terrorism in their statement. This was an unfortunate involuntary impulse.

Janet Napolitano Releases Formal Statement About How the System Worked

By Jim Byrd ——--December 29, 2009

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- Satire The facts are these: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab, a Nigerian, an affiliate of Al Qaeda, a Muslim, a terrorist, a recent visitor to a breeding ground for Al Qaeda operatives (Yemen), identified on international terrorist watch lists, whose father warned the U.S. Embassy two weeks ago about his son's radical jihadi perspective and religious views becoming militant and extremist, whose visa was revoked by Britain, who was allowed to keep his U.S. visa, was allowed to board without a passport, who the TSA deemed inappropriate for the no-fly list due to lack of credible evidence against him, attempted to detonate a bomb aboard Northwest Flight 253, causing it to go kaboom as it descended to the Detroit airport. According to our Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, the system worked.
The facts are these: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab, a Nigerian, an affiliate of Al Qaeda, a Muslim, a terrorist, a recent visitor to a breeding ground for Al Qaeda operatives (Yemen), identified on international terrorist watch lists, whose father warned the U.S. Embassy two weeks ago about his son's radical jihadi perspective and religious views becoming militant and extremist, whose visa was revoked by Britain, who was allowed to keep his U.S. visa, was allowed to board without a passport, who the TSA deemed inappropriate for the no-fly list due to lack of credible evidence against him, attempted to detonate a bomb aboard Northwest Flight 253, causing it to go kaboom as it descended to the Detroit airport. According to our Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, the system worked. The score: Muslim terrorists responsible for 9/11 = 18. The subsequent attempts at terrorism on United States soil include those of Richard Reid, the Muslim terrorist who attempted to detonate a shoe bomb on a flight from Paris to Miami, and Abdul Mudallah, who attempted to detonate a bomb over Detroit. Muslim terrorist attempts and successes at terrorism via airplanes = 21. Christian, Hinduism, Buddhism, Judaism, etc. attempts and successes at terrorism via airplanes = 0. The White House has labeled this an act of terrorism. Janet Napolitano made the perfunctory appearances on the Sunday morning talk shows, as politicians do when selling something, or cleaning up a an asinine statement they made the day before. She became more incoherent, confused, and detached from reality with each successive interview. She tried to clean up her Sunday morning discombobulation on Monday morning, but after appearing inebriated with fermented "hope and change,"  she has thusly resigned herself to release a carefully worded accidental exposé to clarify the Obama administration's stance on the "T" word and explain how the system was a glaring success and failure simultaneously. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano’s statement regarding the incident:
I first want to apologize for the White House’s use of the word terrorism in their statement. This was an unfortunate involuntary impulse. Keep in mind that the term "terrorism" was a Bush administration dysphemism to fuel the "politics of fear," and is much too inflammatory for this administration's tastes. Your president, Barack Obama, has asked me to give a shout-out to the New York Times for their exemplary reporting of Northwest Flight 253. Not once did they use the term “Muslim,” or “terrorist” unless within the context of a quote. Their superbly written article could just as well have been describing any one of the many white supremacists from a Southern Republican voting district, any military veteran, any anti-abortion proponent, or any gun control opponent, or any Christian that takes the Bible literally. The right-wing terror media has labeled this an act of Islamic terrorism. Let me be clear, just because this individual’s name happens to be Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab, was on a plane over a major U.S. city, tried to detonate a bomb to destroy the plane, kill all passengers aboard, including himself, has admitted that he is an Al Qaeda operative, received his explosive device and instructions in Yemen from Al Qaeda, does not automatically make him a terrorist, especially an Islamic terrorist. What we are dealing with here is a passenger-made disturbance, not to be confused with a passenger-made disaster. We are looking at all possibilities. The passengers who subdued this gentleman, especially the white male Dutch passenger, are also persons of interest for a possible violation of Mr. M's civil rights, especially his freedom to practice his non-Christian religion unencumbered. Nothing at this stage has been ruled out. We have myriad suspects from this flight who may or may not have been involved in a civil rights violation. We are unsure at this point as to why this young gentleman would attempt to detonate a bomb on this flight. He has no apparent ties to the Republican Party, the military, anti-gun control groups, or various other "terrorist" organizations. We are also looking into the possibility that the lack of publicly funded single-payer health insurance plan could be an extenuating factor in Mr. M's apparent distress. It’s true that Mr. M's name was not on the Transportation Safety Authority’s no-fly list. And for legitimate reasons. Even though his name was on every conceivable terrorist watch list in the entire world, and his father warned the U.S. Embassy in Nigeria about his son's inclinations toward jihad against the United States, there was insufficient derogatory information available on Mr. M for the TSA to add him to the no-fly list. We deal with hard facts, not speculation. Just because someone is on an international terror list, was denied a visa by Britain, visited Yemen, paid cash for a one-way ticket to the U.S., brought one piece of luggage for an extended stay in the U.S., did not have a passport, does not warrant being on the TSA’s no-fly list; this is profiling, and will not be tolerated by this administration. We are certain that our overseas contingency plan worked as planned. We have it on record that he was forced to remove his shoes, and did not carry-on more than one ounce of shampoo. But the pair of magic underpants he was wearing, well that may well be a religious formality, and we have legal looking into it. There is no suggestion that the alleged suspect was improperly screened. Rest assured that the system we have in place worked to perfection and did not work to perfection. Mr. M's alleged attempt at a passenger-caused disaster was successfully detained after the flight landed. This validated the system. Before the landing, there may have been areas where the system could be tweaked. We have put into place the following new procedures: all passengers will have to remain in their seats for the last hour of their flights, no personal items allowed in passengers laps for the last hour of their flights, hands placed upon the knees, and looking straight ahead. These new rules should not be taken as an instruction manual  to go to the restroom well before an hour before landing and assemble an explosive device, then return to your seat with an activated explosive device well before the last hour of the flight. That would be a violation of the new rules that are in effect.

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Jim Byrd——

Jim Byrd is a conservative writer of constitutional law and politics, with a couple of political satires thrown in per month. Jim generally challenges constitutional law articles that are misleading or just completely wrong.

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