Scientists Discover Most Powerful Force on Earth

--Satire The “Reverend” Al Sharpton: professional race baiter, creator of the infamous “Tawana Brawley scandal” in which he accused several white law enforcement officers and a prosecutor of raping a young black girl (which eventually led to a substantial defamation verdict against him and others because of his false allegations); MSNBC “commentator” whose show “Racial Politics Nation” caused him to be named “Reporter Least Likely to String Two Intelligible Sentences End to End” by The Society for the Preservation of English, and who famously pronounced “white Hispanic” George Zimmerman guilty of murder before he was even charged, recently received some more unexpected notoriety. And Hugh Betcha, Ace Reporter, Head of the StoosViews International Media Conglomerate Science Division, and frequent contributor to the powerful Canada Free Press, was there.

Hugh, named “Outstanding Science Reporter, 2013" by the Al Gore Save the Planet Foundation, “Reporter We Would Most Like to Hang With, 2013" by CNN and frequent visitor to the White House–a man who is respected on each side of the aisle in Washington, D.C. and holder of doctoral degrees in Physics and Chemistry--received an unusual call from his old friend Dr. A. Tom McPardical–Chief of the Physics Division of the respected Livermore National Laboratories in California--regarding an earth-shaking scientific discovery. “We are calling it The Sharpton Effect,” the doctor told Hugh in an exclusive interview granted to the CFP’s crack reporter. “Please explain,’ Hugh asked.

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“Well, we discovered this phenomenon quite by accident. One of our scientists happened to examine some footage taken at various political gatherings around the country and noticed a trend. Whenever there was a protest or rally involving an issue remotely relating to race relations, The Reverend Al Sharpton magically popped up as mysteriously as morel mushrooms after a spring rain. He just was there--every time. But, more ominous still, was that, whether invited or not, Sharpton would rush the microphone whenever there was a television camera present and launch some unintelligible racist tirade against some real or imagined injustice.” “The Sharpton Effect?” Hugh inquired. “Well, we measured the phenomenon scientifically and concluded that the most powerful man-made force on earth is the attraction between Al Sharpton and the nearest TV camera–hence, The Sharpton Effect. Three times more powerful than gravity and far more dangerous.” “How so?” “Several people who were unlucky enough to be standing between Sharpton and the nearest TV camera have been trampled and in some cases seriously injured by the good Reverend in his haste to appear on whatever TV network happened to be covering the event.” “Wow!” “Yeah, so we have issued an advisory for those attending any rally in which the issue of race relations may be discussed–at which The Reverend Sharpton is certain to appear: 1. When possible, bring an interpreter able to translate gibberish; 2. Believe about ten percent of what you hear; and 3. Whatever you do, stand at least 20 yards either side of that imaginary line between Reverend Sharpton and the nearest TV camera, in order to avoid personal injury.”