Our children are losing the ability to read body language. Too busy on their electronic devices. On-line communication prevents the development of one’s emotional intelligence
The short answer to what is the meaning of consent? It means saying Yes-verbally and/or with gestures. Now, one would expect that 13 year-olds would know the meaning of YES as well as the meaning of NO. Hard to believe in the 21st century we need courses in the school curriculum to explain the meaning of these two words. Not only words, but now we must teach our young people how to read body language.
Let’s start with using our words Yes and No by learning their meaning. When I was growing up, I heard the following answer to some of my requests. “N0!” No? Why not? I would say. One parent or another would say, “Because I said so!” And the discussion was closed. This was an absolute NO! No room for equivocation. No room for misunderstanding. No-as in NO. But you hurt my feelings! Tough. I was being taught boundaries. A line was drawn and no amount of cajoling would change that answer. No meant No.
Yes was of course, so much easier to accept. But that, too, came to be understood as an absolute Yes. Yes without a litany of “buts.”
When my kids were growing up, they learned the same lesson. Why? they would ask, when I would say no. My answer: Because I said so. Now, that absolute No started when they were very young. And there were no explanations. It was because I said so. No amount of flattery or wheedling would move me. Boundaries were laid down. Hopefully, my children internalized the meaning of No and had the intestinal fortitude to use it.
Children, today, don’t know how to use their words with authority because we have made the concept of absolute No unavailable to them. Today, we don’t want to hurt the feelings of our children, heaven forbid! It might affect their self-esteem, their sense of importance and value in this world. So we don’t just say No. We explain. I have watched as adults explain their reasons for saying No to two year olds.
Our children are internalizing the fact that No does not necessarily mean No because they expect it to come with an add-on. And the explanation is required because it is unacceptable to hurt anyone’s feelings or dampen their self-esteem. No, without an explanation, is not really NO. We are not giving our daughters the courage and confidence to just say no, nor are we giving our sons the understanding of the meaning of No, an absolute No that has no room for waffling.
The meaning of Yes has been watered down, too. Yes meaning Yes, not Yes meaning No later. They think that Yes can morph into No. Let’s not forget, boys, too get pressured; sometimes from other boys, but also from girls. Boys can be taunted or bullied into sex for fear of being excluded. They, too, need to be able to say No with confidence.
At the same time that we are not teaching our children to use their words, our children are losing the ability to read body language. Too busy on their electronic devices. On-line communication prevents the development of one’s emotional intelligence. Without face-to-face interactions, our children cannot learn to decipher facial expressions, voice intonations, body language; all cues that are stored in the brain that help us negotiate the world. When they are out in the real world they do not pick up on the cues. Boys and girls.
So here we are teaching 13 year-olds the meaning of consent in school; the meaning of the two most basic words in any language “YES and NO.” Words our children are supposed to learn at home during the crawling phase!
Diane Weber Bederman is a blogger for ‘Times of Israel’, a contributor to Convivium, a national magazine about faith in our community, and also writes about family issues and mental illness. She is a multi-faith endorsed hospital trained chaplain.
