Jaybird Wasn’t Joking

William Faulkner defined any man’s life in eight words: “He was born, he suffered, and he died.” Another definition of any man’s life separates it into four stages: He believes in Santa Claus; he doesn’t; he is Santa Claus; and lastly, looks like Santa Claus. ​ Having evolved through the first three stages and mutated into a St. Nick look-alike, I know this definition is accurate.

Although he partook of a little whiskey occasionally, along with Camel cigarettes, Jaybird, my boyhood best friend and mentor, enjoyed a long, healthy life, and died just short of his ninetieth birthday. While preparing for a fishing trip, he dropped to the ground and departed this earth instantly. The old black man contemplated the activities of others and used his wealth of creativity to spin yarns about mankind’s follies and foibles. One of his best and most creative stories gave his interpretation of mortal man’s meander from cradle to grave. “On de first day, de Lawd created a dog, and commanded, ‘Sit on yo’ master’s porch all day and bark when folks enter de yard. Do dis, and you’ll enjoy twenty years o’ life.’ “Whinin’, de dog said , ‘Lawd, dat’s a mighty long time to do nuttin’ but loaf on a porch and bark. How ’bout only ten years, and You take back de other ten?’ ​ “ God granted de dog his wish. On day two, God created a monkey, and commanded, ‘Perform stunts dat make folks laugh. For dis, I’ll give you a twenty-year lifespan.’

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“Frownin’ de monkey said, ‘Dat’s an awful long time to act up — jes’ to entertain folks. Please give me ten, as You did de dog.’ ​ “Once again, God agreed. On day three, de Lawd created a mule, and said, ‘For sixty years, toil for farmers, sunup to sundown.’ ​ “Mumblin’, de mule said, ‘Dat’s a tough life — ’specially for sixty years. Lemme give back forty o’ dem years.’ ​ “Again God agreed. On de fourth day, de Lawd made man, and said, ‘Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy life — for twenty years.’ ​ “Protestin’, de man said, ‘Only twenty? How ’bout You give me my twenty, de forty give back by de mule, de monkey’s ten, and de dog’s ten? Den I kin live eighty years.’ Shruggin’, God agreed.” ​ Upon finishing the yarn, Jaybird said, “Now, son, you know dat during de first twenty years, a man eats, sleeps, plays, and enjoys life; den he labors forty years to support his family; den, fuh ten years, he acts lak a monkey to entertain grandchillun; and in de last ten years, he slouches on de porch and bellyaches to anybody who’ll listen.” How prophetic. Having fun consumed my first twenty years; supporting my family used up the next forty; making a fool of myself to amuse grandchildren gobbled up ten; and now I’m a grouchy old man folks would just as soon not be around. I thought my wise old mentor was just pulling my leg; now I know: Jaybird wasn’t joking.