Trump’s detractors lobbing unsubstantiated accusations while they fruitlessly search for nonexistent

Straight from a no longer anonymous source-- After a year of turning over every rock and parting the branches of every bush, the source said that President Trump is probably the one individual with the least amount of dirty laundry ever to occupy the White House. Flying overhead, J. Edgar Rostov Kite¹ swooped down to reveal this and other secrets of the universe which he had been studying and perfecting for the last year. At the end of his rope, he admitted going to the extent of concealing himself by the drapes of the Oval Office after Inauguration Day in order to eavesdrop on the new president's secret conversations (a difficult enterprise considering some kites have a wingspan up to six feet). Still, it has all been for naught as Kite's been unable to bury his beak into anything other than his own feathers. Missing his prey, his talons have only clutched the wind. Then, in the midst of all this frustration, he was ignominiously fired from his post.

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