USDA issues new S'mores guidlines - involving strawberries and lowfat vanilla yogurt.

It's no secret that we're a nation of fatties. We eat junk, get huge, and then need to pass ObamaCare so even the poorest among us can deal with the consequences of our costly fast food addictions. But where does is all start? How do we become such piggish monsters? The answer is obvious.

Our obese youngsters are desperately addicted to that unhealthiest of unhealthies - the S'more. Having solved all of America's other problems, the federal government has turned its attention to the horror of S'mores-abuse and it hopes it can change the way we view - and consume - this dastardly "snack." Specifically, the USDA has issued new s'more guidelines which it believes will make your kids healthier, and ultimately happier. The solution to the S'morepedemic? Strawberries and lowfat vanilla yogurt. Yum! As the Washington Examiner reports:

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The U.S. Department of Agriculture's "MyPlate" service handed out that advice on Sunday, and said strawberry s'mores are a treat that "kids will love." But expectations for the kids might need to be set in advance, since these s'mores don't have any chocolate or marshmallows in them. Instead, USDA encourages people to plop some low-fat vanilla yogurt on a graham cracker, and then top the yogurt with strawberries. Top it off with another graham cracker, and you have a s'more that looks a lot like a regular s'more, except when you bite into it, you won't get any ooey-gooey chocolate all over your fingers.

You will, of course, be doused with a messy pile of strawberry-yogurt slop that comes shooting out the other side of your faux s'more. Still, we should all bow down before our betters and thank God that - finally - someone has decided to answer our pleas and provide a solution to this difficult issue. Frankly, I'm surprised they've embraced the decadence of "vanilla" yogurt when "plain" should suffice. If you're worried that your kids won't like their new "S'mores," don't be. Your kids are stupid. They won't even know the difference. The USDA recipe page promises that they're going to love it.

"Kids will love that they can make it themselves, and parents will love that it's an inexpensive and healthy treat!"

So far, no one has managed to explain how you're going to put it on a stick and warm it over a campfire, but that's no big deal. We're sure some other federal agency has identified the inherent evils of camping, and is busy trying to limit your access to fire. Unless you've been trained, gone through a background check, and received a federal campfire license, you probably shouldn’t be starting one in the first place. Fire is dangerous, and until we have common-sense campfire control its best that you just avoid it altogether.