(Wolf Blitzer is at the CNN Situation Room Mission Control with a countdown clock.)
WOLF BLITZER: Good evening. In just a few seconds the White House Beer Summit between President Obama, Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates, and Cambridge police officer James Crowley is about to commence. And now the final countdown begins: 5...4...3...1... The Beer Summit has now been launched! President Obama has stated that this summit will be restricted to only the three of them. Our cameras are tracking the summit so let us now zoom in on the action.
(We see a closeup of the outdoor picnic table with the three men and their beers. Suddenly Vice-President Joe Biden walks into view.)
JOE BIDEN: Hi guys! I heard you were getting together for a beer summit so I thought I would invite myself to join in.
BARACK OBAMA: Uh, yes, since you decided to barge in, you might as well take a seat, Joe.
JOE BIDEN: Don't mind me. I'll just quietly sit here with my non-alcoholic Buckler's and watch you guys drink some real beer.
HENRY LOUIS GATES: So I think my arrest could be a teachable moment about our history of race...
JOE BIDEN (interrupting): And speaking about history, did you know that beer was first developed back in ancient Persia?
BARACK OBAMA: That's very interesting Joe but...
JOE BIDEN: And when you think about it, beer is really like liquid bread. So creamy! So foamy! So tangy!
BARACK OBAMA: Look, Joe, it sounds like you want a beer so...
JOE BIDEN: Nope! I'm perfectly satisfied with my lame near beer. Yes, I'm happy not to have that wonderful alcohol kick in my brew. A kick that would make me so happy on this fine early evening.
BARACK OBAMA: Okay, I'm glad you're satisfied with...
JOE BIDEN: But you know what? I never did consider light beer like that Bud Light you are drinking to be real beer so I guess it would be okay if you just poured me a few drops into my mouth.
(Biden leans back and opens his mouth. Obama pours some of his beer down Biden's throat.)
JOE BIDEN: Come on, Barack! I said pour me a few drops, not two drops!
(Obama pours the rest of his beer into Biden's mouth.)
HENRY LOUIS GATES: So getting back to the history of...
JOE BIDEN (interrupting): HOPS!
HENRY LOUIS GATES: Huh?
JOE BIDEN: No history of beer is complete without mentioning hops which became popular in flavoring beer back in the thirteenth century. Hops is now a critical component of beer such as that Jamaican Red Stripe you're drinking, Henry.
HENRY LOUIS GATES: That's interesting Joe but...
JOE BIDEN (interrupting): Hey! I'm a diverse kind of guy. I always used to buy Red Stripe at the grocery from that Indian guy with the funny accent and...
HENRY LOUIS GATES: Are you racially profiling?
JOE BIDEN: Of course not. But I do love the profile of your beer mug. Is it okay if I just lick the condensation off the outside? It's not really like drinking the beer but it might give me a slight hint of the Red Stripe flavor.
(Gates stretches his beer mug out to Biden who starts licking the outside. After a few moments he suddenly starts lapping the beer inside the mug from the top.)
HENRY LOUIS GATES: Hey! Hey!
JOE BIDEN: Sorry, Henry. I guess I got a bit carried away. It's just that I'm such a fan of Red Stripe. I can't say the same for the Blue Moon that officer Crowley is drinking because I never had it before.
JAMES CROWLEY: Would you like a sip?
JOE BIDEN: Of course not. That would be imposing. However, if you were to accidentally...on purpose...spill some on the table...
(Crowley spills some beer on the table. Joe Biden quickly laps it up.)
BARACK OBAMA: Look Joe, the purpose of this beer summit is not to constantly talk about beer. If you must have some real beer then go ahead and order whatever beer you want instead of ruining our meeting.
JOE BIDEN: Sure thing...HEY WAITER!!! I'll have a case of each of whatever these guys are drinking except substitute regular Bud for that lame Bud Light the President is drinking!
(This is Wolf Blitzer back at the Situation Room Mission Control. The Beer Summit is now over and we have a countdown for the officer Crowley on-camera debriefing. 5...4...3...2...1...)
JAMES CROWLEY: I think what we had today was two gentlemen agree to disagree and...
(Suddenly Joe Biden, a beer in each hand, appears and wraps an arm around Crowley's shoulder.)
JOE BIDEN: Hey, I see an old friend out there... Stand up, Chuck! Let 'em see you. Oops! Oh God love you! What am I talking about?
JAMES CROWLEY: Um...
JOE BIDEN: Shay, Jimbo! Did I ever tell you the story about the two black guys who meet an Irish cop for beer and get gatecrashed by a loudmouthed...
P.J. Gladnick lives in South Florida which is full of eccentrics which is why he feel right at home here. P.J.‘s main accomplishments in life was winning a bottle of aftershave when he was eight and having the biggest PING List (almost 1000 Pingees) on the Free Republic forum for my DUmmie FUnnies blog. This is fortunate since he suffer severely from Ping List Envy.
He has written a syndicated humor column that appeared in dozens of newspapers throughout North America. Only complete humility forbids him from telling you that his columns appeared in the Houston Chronicle, St. Petersburg Times, L.A Herald-Examiner, Winnipeg Free Press, Cleveland Plain Dealer, Vancouver Sun.
P.J. has produced an award-winning satirical comix website called PJ’s Comix. Among the people we viciously satirized was James Carville but I hope that Mary overlooks that.
P.J. can be reached at: pjcomix@hotmail.com
