It's the recession and I needed a job. So I went searching for employment at Craiglist until I found something that looked promising: "Professional Protesters Wanted. $20 per hour, free Brooks Brothers suit provided, and bus transportation to work sites. Call Karl R."
I called Karl R and made arrangements to meet the next day at a hotel penthouse. Karl R was a balding guy with glasses. He sat in a darkened room and the desk light shining in my eyes made it difficult to see him in greater detail.
"So all I have to do is show up at townhall meetings and protest Obamacare?" I asked after his brief description of the job.
"Yup!" replied Karl.
"Well, that sounds easy enough."
"I do need to warn you that your first job site is going to be very difficult."
"And where will that job site be?" I asked.
"St. Louis. You will have to confront Killer Carnahan."
"Killer Carnahan?"
"Russ Carnahan. He is a St. Louis congressman who has a rapier wit. He can slice you to pieces in argument," Karl R explained.
"I'm not worried. I think I can handle myself," I boasted.
"Perhaps you should listen to this YouTube
audio. It features Russ Carnahan talking to a radio host about a large electronic bakery sign that, in response to voting for the Cap & Trade bill, said, 'RUSS CARNAHAN VOTED TO CLOSE US AND OTHER SMALL BUSINESS.' Listen to how he talked rings around 97.1 FM radio host, Jamie Allman."
JAMIE ALLMAN: Before we get to the health care legislation, this is the first time we had a chance to talk to you since your office met with Dave McArthur from McArthur's Bakery. And I know you're aware of that. Do you know what Dave McArthur's sign said, Congressman Carnahan?
RUSS CARNAHAN: Uh, certainly I have heard about it and have talked to many, many people that have been engaged in...
ALLMAN: Do you know what Dave McArthur's sign said?
CARNAHAN: Uh, as I said, I am very familiar with it and uh, again...
ALLMAN: Can you tell me what the sign said?
CARNAHAN: Uh, I'm very familiar with the situation and have talken with many people about their concerns and the energy bill and particularly about the consumer cost issue.
ALLMAN: Right but again in all respect though, I have to tell you that Dave McArthur and some of the folks don't feel like Washington is listening and when you actually don't know even what Dave McArthur's sign said. You could hardly miss it since it's been even in the news. When you don't know that, what the sign says. Because you can't repeat to me what the sign says. Then there is an indication there that there is a disconnect. Because you didn't even know what Dave McArthur's message was.
CARNAHAN: Jamie, what was on the sign is not as important as what is in this reform. And they're concerned about cost and they're concerned about..... Hey, Jamie and Dana great being with you all uh, I appreciate your common sense approach to things and uh, I'm glad, Jamie, you had a good tailgating party at the races there.
ALLMAN: I did. I did. I have to tell you, I wish you would have known what the sign said outside of Dave McArthur's bakery. That would have improved matters greatly in terms of how people perceive your openness to people who are concerned about what's going on up there in D.C.. And just for the record it said, "Russ Carnahan wanted to close us and other small business." So I think there is a concern there and I think the the fact that you didn't know what the sign said is a concern.
CARNAHAN: Uh, well, I think the number of townhall meetings and dozens and dozens of meetings we've had on this issue not only with individuals but groups I think speaks volumns on for how much we have dug into this issue and trying to get it right.
"Forget it!" I exclaimed. "Carnahan would make verbal mincemeat of me if I had to go up against him!"
"I'll tell you what," sighed Karl R. "I'll up your pay to $40 per hour if you face Carnahan."
"Nope!"
"A hundred bucks! A hundred bucks an hour in professional protest pay plus we will fly you in a private jet to St. Louis, and transport you from the airport to the townhall meeting in a luxury bus."
"Okay," I replied reluctantly. "But just make sure the bus is well stocked with a liquor bar because I'll need to fortify myself when confronting Killer Carnahan."
P.J. Gladnick lives in South Florida which is full of eccentrics which is why he feel right at home here. P.J.‘s main accomplishments in life was winning a bottle of aftershave when he was eight and having the biggest PING List (almost 1000 Pingees) on the Free Republic forum for my DUmmie FUnnies blog. This is fortunate since he suffer severely from Ping List Envy.
He has written a syndicated humor column that appeared in dozens of newspapers throughout North America. Only complete humility forbids him from telling you that his columns appeared in the Houston Chronicle, St. Petersburg Times, L.A Herald-Examiner, Winnipeg Free Press, Cleveland Plain Dealer, Vancouver Sun.
P.J. has produced an award-winning satirical comix website called PJ’s Comix. Among the people we viciously satirized was James Carville but I hope that Mary overlooks that.
P.J. can be reached at: pjcomix@hotmail.com
