“No, Really, It’s Global Warming…” Another Stoos Views Exclusive Interview With Al Gore

Hugh Betcha, Head of the Climate Change Bureau of the Stoos Views world wide media conglomerate, listened intently to the weather report this morning as he has for the past week. Today, January 4, 2010--five years away from the melting of the polar ice caps predicted by global warming expert, geothermal scientist, inventor of the internet and Almost President, Al Gore--it appeared that Gore's prediction had finally come true. Checking his thermometer outside the Stoos Views World Headquarters in Wynstone, South Dakota--where the air is clean, crime is low, people vote red, and the centre still holds--Hugh noticed the ambient temperature was a balmy 24 below Fahrenheit--clear evidence that Global Warming had invaded the Midwest.

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To his dismay, he learned that Okoboji, Iowa--where Hugh spends part of his summers--registered a cool 33 below Fahrenheit. As he dressed to remove the 3-4 feet of global warning residue from his driveway--remnants of the past two weeks of global warming residue visited upon his residence, he heard further disturbing news: it appeared that this day--January 4, 2010--two-thirds of the country was beset by lower than usual temperatures. It seems that the Deep South was registering temperatures in the teens and twenties--unheard of for this time of year. Dire predictions of a blizzard in Mississippi, Georgia and even Florida abounded. International news reports this date coming over the wire at Stoos Views headquarters, advised that in Bejing, China, schools were closed and residents of that city were issued snow shovels in order to clear the streets. South Korea reported record frigid temperatures, as well as other countries in Asia and Europe. Indeed, evidence of Global Warming abounded, and the situation was disturbing. While some might see record lows, record snowfalls and ice storms as inconsistent with Mr. Gore's predictions that the temperature of the globe was warming, Hugh did not. He knew better. From his desk in South Dakota, he placed a quick call to his friend and confidante, Al Gore. Gore, author of Inconvenient Humans, © 2009 Al Gore; No Really, It Is Global Warming, © 2009 Al Gore, A World Without Polar Bears, © 2009, Bye Bye North Pole, © 2009 Al Gore, and his soon to be released book, Earth: A Star is Born, © Al Gore, 2010--which details how the center of the earth is actually hotter than the sun and will in time melt the outer core of the planet, thus mooting any concerns about the demise of the planet from global warming. In an effort to explain to the world how the current frigid temps and abundant snowfall was actually global warming, Gore had contacted Hugh--the most trusted name in the news--requesting an audience. Hugh obligingly returned the call to Gore--as always. "In a word, what is causing the record lows, unceasing snowfall, blizzards where they should not be and this brutal neo-ice age we are experiencing around the planet the last couple of years?" Hugh inquired. "Glad you asked," responded the Almost President, "there is a lot of misinformation. As shown by my comments during the Copenhagen Conference where I announced the melting of the ice caps in the next five years, and my statement not long ago that the center of the earth is actually hotter than the face of the sun (which most scientists did not even know), I am privy to many scientific facts that most uneducated people do not know. This is why I am able to fly all over the world in my private jet, live in a large mansion, own polluting zinc mines and still get paid enormous sums to lecture the world on what a mess mankind has made out of the environment." "Okay, but why this new ice age?" "Very simple," Gore replied confidently. "Polar Displacement." "Polar what?" "Polar Displacement....You see, the polar ice cap is melting so fast, that if you flew over it right now, you could actually see steam rising. This hot, steamy air is rising upward and sideways, pushing the frigid air that used to surround the poles, south toward the equator. This arctic air is displaced, and must go somewhere. Thus, the term 'polar displacement'. Simply put, what you are experiencing in South Dakota, Mississippi, Florida, China and elsewhere, is simply the melting of the polar bear and musk oxen habitat, and the displacement of frigid air toward the south. I expect this to last indefinitely. In fact, I do not expect temperatures in the United States to warm up until the polar ice caps melt." "What happens then?" "The Atlantic Ocean will cover Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Florida and Alabama, in five years--at which time my mansion in Belle Meade will be ocean front property."