Obama’s “Adopt-A-Jihadist” Program for Gitmo Prisoners


True to his campaign promise, President-Elect Barack Obama, tells Stoos Views that he will order the closure of the military prison at Guantanamo in an effort to show the world the “softer side of the War on Terror.”

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“It is unconscionable that we are holding these people at Gitmo,“ Obama noted, “when all they did was to find themselves in the middle of a battlefield in Afghanistan or Iraq, where our troops happened to be. God knows they could have been innocent victims of this misguided war effort. They could have been herding sheep, harvesting poppies, or just hanging out. While it is rumored that some may have had weapons and may have been shooting in a war zone, where is the proof that they were shooting at our boys over there? How do we know they were not hunting mountain goats when they were taken into custody? This is why we must bring them to the States, give them defense attorneys at taxpayer expense, and a full-fledged hearing--just as any American citizen would receive. We need to get to the bottom of this and show the world that we are, above all, a compassionate people. Sure some of the prisoners who have been released earlier have shown up on foreign battlefields and killed some of our boys and girls over in Iraq and Afghanistan, but, hey, what is more important--our national security and the lives of our soldiers, or the need to give foreign nationals who may be found on battlefields with guns in their hands, the legal rights afforded all American citizens? Besides,” he continued, “it is inhumane to keep them locked up, feed them three hot meals a day, allow then to read the Koran, allow them to exercise, give them free medical care, allow them to say their prayers and provide for their care and comfort when they could be back in the caves and rocks of the Hindu Kush foraging for roots and berries--as they prefer. Nope,” he continued, “I want to bring them back to the States and show the world that we are all about due process and defense lawyers at taxpayer expense.”

 When asked what would actually be done with the prisoners once the prison was closed, Obama hesitated: “I have found during the past few weeks that my campaign promises were, well, a little harder to keep than I imagined. As I get closer to assuming the White House, I realize that it is one thing to take shots at Bush, but another to actually occupy the hot seat. Accordingly, we are changing our motto from: “Yes We Can!” to: “Maybe We Will!” When pressed for an answer as to what he will do with the prisoners when he orders the closure of Gitmo, Obama responded: “Well, I have not really given a lot of thought to exactly what we do with them, but do have some ideas.  Ted Kennedy, Nancy, Harry, and I have been kicking this around a little. I think that putting them in prison in the United States would be too cruel. They could get hurt there and we do not want them to be uncomfortable in any way. Therefore I have proposed a plan called "Adopt-A-Jihadist."  Under that plan I plan to house several dozen in the basement of the White House--until private homes can be found for each--and give them jobs such as maintaining the lawn, cleaning, painting, and other such meaningful work. This would save the government money and give the jihadists that sense of pride that comes with honest work. We need to restore their dignity and make them feel at home while they await their court hearings.  We think this plan is workable and allows us to house and feed them in a more congenial setting while their taxpayer-funded trials are pending. Since we cannot accommodate all of them in the White House, we are offering tax credits to any U.S. citizen who offers to take in one or two. The response to this proposal so far has been overwhelming. Hollywood--which is way ahead of Middle America on these issues and far more enlightened--has really stepped up to the plate. So far we have had generous offers from well meaning citizens such as Sean Penn, Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon and Harry Belafonte to name a few. Heck, Reverend Wright has also offered to take a couple in. He has a nice house in a rich gated community in Chicago and has plenty of room in his two million dollar home. My friend, Billy Ayers, has also offered to take some as well. I have heard from Bill O'Reitz, President of the ACLU. He advises that the ACLU is more than happy to take in several at their headquarters--which works out nicely. They can then work on their legal cases and live with their attorneys at the same time. It is a win-win for all of us.”

 Obama continued: “It seems that for some reason, these prisoners are not welcome in their own country. I just cannot figure this out. We have asked Afghanistan, the Saudis, Pakistan, Kuwait, Yemen, and other countries to take back their foreign nationals who are currently in Gitmo. Amazingly, all have declined. So, we plan to make them welcome here. Of course, they must promise in writing not to escape and not to conspire against the United States. We will give them a form to sign for that purpose. We expect to strictly enforce that promise and impose guidelines on them--sort of the same strict guidelines we imposed when we handed out $350 billion to the banks last year. As the Army Field Manual says: ‘All prisoners must be treated humanely and cannot be made to feel uncomfortable.’ So, the Obama Administration will make them feel at home. Sure, there is some risk to the public that they might escape, kill, bomb, or conspire against the United States; however, that is a chance we will jut have to take. After all, we need to make up for the sins of the past and show the world that we are a kinder, gentler nation and will fight the War on Terror with compassion and love. That is certain to make the terrorists all over the world love and respect us and I am convinced that this will in a very short time result in an end to terrorism and war throughout the world. The world will love us for this.”

 As an additional gesture of good faith and friendship to terrorists everywhere, Obama noted that: “The United States will suspend all wiretapping for 30 days, so that no one in the country or any foreign national need fear that any private conversations will be intercepted. Further, we will prosecute to the fullest extent of the law any United States soldier, sailor, airman or marine who makes any enemy soldier fighting U.S. forces in Iraq or Afghanistan uncomfortable in any way.” He advised Stoos Views that the government intends to drop leaflets into Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Iraq advising potential enemy soldiers that they are to report to the United States military command any mistreatment or discomfort they feel at the hands of United States soldiers and informing them of their rights to sue in United States federal courts any such soldiers who treat them mean. In conclusion, Obama added this warning: “I have appointed Eric Holder to run the Department of Justice, and his first task will be to ensure the rights of the terrorists. Since Mr. Holder is experienced in pardoning criminals and terrorists, he is the man for the job. I will instruct Eric Holder to prosecute any United States military personnel who treats an enemy combatant mean. This includes cursing at them, making fun of them, and calling them names.” -Satire