Once upon a time there lived a President who was so fond of lying that he spent all of his money covering up his lies so that no one would know who he was. He did not care about his military, and he did not care about his citizenry. He continued to lie in order to hide his birth certificate and other relevant truths. He had a lie for every hour of the day; and just as they say of a president, 'he is in the oval office', they lied for him and said, 'he's in the oval office' but in reality he was out golfing.
In the great city of Washington where he lived there was always something going on; every day many strangers came here. One day an old friend arrived with two strangers who were ex-felons and who gave themselves out as 'Adobe Illustrator Manipulators.' And they were both credible SEIU members. They said they knew how to manufacture the most perfect birth certificate imaginable. Not only would the paper and lettering be uncommonly perfect, but the information that would be covered up
would not be visible to anyone who was not fit for his office, or was unpardonably stupid.
'Those must indeed be perfect forgeries', thought the President. "If I put it on the news, I could find out which men and women in
my kingdom are unfit for the offices they hold; I could distinguish the ones who will back up my lies from the ones that won't! Yes, this birth certificate must be forged for me at once.' And he gave both of the felons free jet rides and union money, so that they might begin their work. And he and his old friend went out for french fries and cheeseburgers at a place where they could disguise themselves as honest folk, for they didn't want the first lady to catch them while she was protesting at the local McDonalds.
The two placed two computers side by side and began to act as if they were creating this new document, but they had no experience. One only knew about texting his girlfriend who sat behind him and the other only knew how to play with tinkertoys. But they demanded the finest papers and the best ink, which they sold for higher prices in Egypt at the swap marts while visiting there, and worked on the computers, watching pornography till late into the night.
'I should like very much to know how far they have got with my forgery,' thought the President. But he remembered when he thought about it that whoever would lie for him would automatically come forward and praise his new birth certificate, and whoever did not, would be honest and would be ridiculed by all the press. Everybody in the whole town knew what a wonderful power the new birth certificate had, especially one important man in New York City. And everyone was curious to see
how many honest politicians there were in Washington D.C.
'I will send my former
old and honored speaker of the house to the felons,' thought the President. 'She can judge best what the paper is like, for she has intellect, and no one understands lying better than she.' Now the
old speaker went to the office of the two felons who had been put up at the Carlton Ritz. They sat looking at Facebook and were busy sending their pictures to all those they knew. 'Dear me!' thought the
old speaker, opening her eyes wide, 'This is worse than the one I submitted', but she did not say so.
Both of the felons begged her to be so kind as to step closer, and asked her if it were not the most perfect forgery ever made? They clicked on the Adobe Illustrator program and showed her the very obvious forgery. Both of the felons begged her to be so kind as to step even closer, and asked her if it were not a perfect forgery, a perfect texture of paper and perfect color matches? They pointed to the typos and the text that didn't match, and the poor
old house speaker went forward rubbing her eyes; but all she could see was a forgery that was so bad, it made hers look authentic.
'Dear, dear!' thought she, 'can I be stupid? I have never thought that, and nobody must know just how stupid and evil I am! Can I not be fit for my office? No, I must certainly not say that it is a bad forgery!'
'Have you nothing to say about it?' Asked one of the men who was getting ready to go meet the President for a greasy lunch. 'Oh, it is perfect, most perfect!' answered the
old house speaker as part of her face began cracking. 'What texture! What colors! Yes, I will tell the President that it is much better than the one I sent out during the election to 49 states (not Hawaii, of course) and it pleases me very much.'
'Now we are delighted at that,' said the two ex-felons, and thereupon they named the typesetting and the program they had used.
The
old house speaker paid great attention, so that she could tell the same to the President when he came back, which he did. He would have been there sooner but he had locked himself out of the White House trying to hide his ketchup stain from the first lady. He didn't know she wasn't home for she had gone for ribs after her protest at McDonalds.
The impostors now wanted more money, and more gold for their fabrication. They put it all in their own pockets, and never did any work, but they went on as they had done before, pretending to work even harder than before. The President soon sent his other worthy friend, his senate majority leader to see how the fabricating was getting on, and whether the certificate would soon be finished. It was the same with him as the speaker; he looked and looked, and shouted as the
old speaker had, 'Oh, it is perfect, most perfect!'
'Is it not a perfect forgery, with the perfect paper?' asked the two felons, and they pointed to and described the splendid typesetting that was smeared.
'Stupid I am not!' thought the man, for he could see it was a forgery. "So it must be my good office for which I am not fit. It is strange, certainly, but no one must be allowed to notice it.” And so he praised the forgery that was an obvious fake, and expressed to them his delight at the beautiful colors and the splendid erasures.
'Yes, it is quite perfect,' he said to the President.
Everybody in the country was talking of the magnificent birth certificate and how it now proved that the President was truly eligible to hold his office. Even the man from New York boasted about how good it was that this new birth certificate was now being shown to the citizenry. 'I knew it would work,' he said to himself, and so he was fit for his office. And those congress members and senators that had remained silent hovered home with their tails between their legs. "No one would say they were unfit for anything!"
Now the President wanted to see it himself while it was still on Adobe Illustrator. With a great crowd of select followers, amongst whom was his former
old speaker and also his majority leader, he went to the ex felons who had now meanwhile bought two tickets to Barbados, who were now finishing the forgery with all their might.
'Is it not splendid?' said both his
old speaker and his majority leader that had already been there. 'See, Mr. President, what perfect type setting! What colors!' And then they pointed to the forgery, for they believed that the others could see the forgery quite well, for the felons knew nothing about Adobe Illustrator.
'What! This is an obvious forgery! This is indeed horrible! Am I stupid? Am I not fit to be President? That is the most dreadful thing that could happen to me, thought the President
But then he thought again, Oh, it is perfect,' he said. 'It has my gracious approval.' And then he nodded pleasantly, and examined the certificate once more, for he would not say that it was an obvious forgery. And he knew that
everyone would agree with him that wanted to keep their offices, so it was a perfect plan.
His whole Cabinet round him looked and looked, and saw no more than the others; but they said like the President, 'Oh! It is perfect!' And they advised him to put this new birth certificate on all the networks before his next speech that was soon to take place. 'Splendid! Lovely! Most perfect!' went from mouth to mouth; everyone seemed delighted over it, and the President gave to the impostors the title of Press Correspondents to the President, for he knew no one could further his lies better than they.
Throughout the whole of the night before the morning on which his speech was to take place, the impostors were up pretending to be busy at work. Everyone could tell this because of all the texting that was going on when their smartphones lit up. The people could see that they were very busy making provisions and celebrations for his new speech as his COLB would hit the airwaves worldwide. They pretended they were checking its accuracy, cutting it neatly, and then at last they said, The COLB is finished!
The President came himself with all of his liars from the Senate and the Congress, and held up the COLB, and said, 'See! Here it is! Here is the Birth Certificate! And even John McCain could not believe it. He knew it was worse than the first one. But he did not want anyone to say he was not fit for
his office. So he immediately agreed that it proved that the President was eligible for his office, after all the President had helped him put forth the bill that got his birth records off of the hook during the elections. 'Tit for Tat, I'll go finish my new amnesty bill with my plan to eliminate the borders', McCain thought, 'that will show just how fit I am!'
'Forgeries are so awesome that one would imagine they are the real thing; but that is the beauty of it!' Said the President
'Yes,' said all the liars, but they knew he was ineligible, for there was nothing there but a forgery.
'Will it please your Presidency graciously to take a look at it again for your final approval,' said the felons, 'then we will put it on the front page of the New York Crimes, I mean Times?'
The President approved it, changed his clothes and went golfing with the new Speaker of the House. He knew now he would find out who was fit to be in office and who wasn't. And of course, only those who would continue lying for him would be fit
The President, after golfing another 10 rounds that week, decided it was time for his speech. 'The press is waiting outside so that your words can be spread', announced the Press Secretary, Mr Fibbs.
'Look, I am ready,' said the President. 'Doesn't it look real?' He said this as he looked at the forgery in Time Magazine and read the story in the New York Times. And he turned himself again to the mirror to see himself again. Sometimes he just couldn't get enough of himself.
The press mongrels that were used to carrying and reporting the propaganda put on their smiles and began the lies and the deceit to all of the masses that would believe it. And of course, all of those who believed they would not have to pay for their homes or pay their car payments were first in line to listen to the press conference. They would not have it noticed that it was not only a forgery, but the most obvious one.
So the President went along in the procession speaking to the crowds, and all the people in the streets and at the windows said, 'How wonderful that we now have another Certificate of Live Birth! 'Shhh! No one needs to know the sequence is off!' they said
No one wished it to be noticed that it was a forgery for to continue to sit on the throne of the President was all that they wanted. Their country no longer mattered. He was obviously unfit for his office, but no one cared. Without the approval of this forgery, no one would be fit for office. None of the President's lies had met with such approval as this big lie had and there was not one, out of all of the congressmen or senators who would say it was a forgery.
But at last a voice was heard saying, 'but this is a forgery, can't anyone see that? They turned their heads in shock and saw a small little child. The child was a computer whiz and realized immediately that it was a very bad forgery, but the child was ignored and decided to go to McDonalds to have a Good Old American Happy Meal, now that the first lady had left.
'Just listen to the innocent child!' said the father, and each one whispered to his neighbor what the child had said.
'See, it's another forgery', the birthers said.
This struck the President, for it seemed to him as if they were right; but he thought to himself, 'I must go on with the lies now, for if everyone keeps supporting me, I can continue playing golf. And the house members and senators walked along uprightly holding up pictures of the forgery. And Senator Lindsay Graham said
in a respectful way, to the birthers, 'You're crazy!'
And the Senators and Congress members kept their offices for they had proven they were indeed fit for office, for they were all liars. And in the background the President's cell phone activated and one could hear the old Platters song as his phone lit up, 'Ohhhh, yes, I'm the Great Pretender'.
