William Kevin Stoos

The Future Of Medicine Under Obama Universal Coverage for Health (O.U.C.H.)

(Satire) The year was 2019, in the third term of the Reign of Obama the Secular. Owing to a radical Supreme Court stacked with four Obama appointees who declared the Twenty-second Amendment to the United States Constitution unconstitutional, Obama was well on his way to becoming the first President since Roosevelt to be elected to four terms. A generation that voted for free stuff in 2008, begat another generation of voters who wanted free stuff.

RAMBOMA—(How the President Killed Bin Laden)

Another Exclusive Report by Hugh Betcha © 2012 William Kevin Stoos for CANADA FREE PRESS It was supposed to be another social call, this meeting between Ace Reporter Hugh Betcha and his old friend Barry Obama. Hugh, recently named “Most Admired Conservative 2012” by MSNBC, a man who walks with kings and princes and has easy access to both sides of the aisle in Congress, got a call from his friend, inviting him ostensibly for a beer at the White House—as they often did.

The Fabric of Our Faith

“Except I shall see in his hands the print of the nails and put my finger into the print of the nails and thrust my hand into his side, I will not believe.” John 20:25 His face looks incredibly lonesome, as if every one of His friends abandoned him in the moment of his greatest need. And sad—sad for all time. As if the weight of the whole world were upon His shoulders. There is an eternal pensiveness in His death pose. The stabbing thorns that cut so unkindly into His scalp and the blood that flowed from His head are visible, indelible.

Letter from a BPI Wife, Nurse, and Mother of Two Healthy Kids—On BPI Lean Textured Beef

People like Diane Sawyer and other ivory tower reporters who breathe the rarefied air of the national news media and decide to use their awesome power to smugly denounce an industry which has provided quality beef products to the American public for three decades now, care little about the human and economic consequences of their actions. As a result of the misinformation purveyed by Sawyer, Jamie Oliver, James Avila and others, Beef Products, Inc.--which has won safety awards for its product, has provided millions of pounds of quality beef each year to American consumers and whose product has never once been subject to recall or injured any consumer--has idled three plants and is operating at less than full capacity at a fourth.

Slimy Reportage Defames Sterling American Industry

Funny me--until Diane Sawyer famously announced last fall that the "Occupy Wall Street Movement" had spread to 250 American cities and "thousands of foreign countries" [sic] I did not know there were thousands of foreign countries. I thought there were around two hundred. But then again, it has been a long time since I studied Geography in high school. Then there was Diane's recent broadcast about a rash of tornadoes in Alabama. She bemoaned the fact that "no one was warned" [sic] about the twisters which killed several Alabamians.

Calling for “Play Nice” Rule for the NFL….

Deciding that the Senate did not have anything more important to do than police the National Football League, Senator Dick (Chew on This) Durbin, champion of the fight against big league baseball’s time-honored tradition of chewing tobacco [See Chew on This! Hugh Betcha Confronts Anti-Tobacco Chewing Senators at World Series, Canada Free Press 10/19/11] has now called for Senate hearings into the practice of paying football players to injure or incapacitate opponents during NFL games. And his old friend, Hugh Betcha, Chief of the International Sports Bureau of the Stoos Views media conglomerate was there for an exclusive.

In the Year 2019, Under the Third Term of the Reign of Obama the Secular

-Satire The year was 2019, in the third term of the Reign of "Obama the Secular, Defender of the Right to Kill Babies, Provider of All the Citizens Need, and Great Leader." Owing to a radical Supreme Court stacked with four Obama appointees who declared the Twenty-second Amendment to the United States Constitution unconstitutional, Obama was well on his way to becoming the first President since Roosevelt to be elected to four terms. A generation that voted for free stuff in 2008, begat another generation of voters who wanted free stuff. In time, the amount of voters wanting free stuff--and knowing they would get it from the Great One--reached a tipping point. They soon outnumbered those who worked, paid taxes, and created jobs. For the next decade they continued to vote for politicians who promised free stuff. Of course, this ensured that the King of Free Stuff, Obama the Secular, Defender of the Right to Kill Babies, Provider of All the Citizens Need and Great Leader--who never met a government program he did not like--would be re-elected for life. Owing to a piece of legislation that granted him effectively unlimited power over the most basic right of the citizen--life--few could and did oppose him. Hence, the new title--which he, by Executive Order, bestowed upon himself in lieu of the outmoded title of "President."

I Will Love You Threescore More

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Eph 5:25 Years ago, I wrote a column in William Loeb’s Manchester Union Leader. Although I would get some nice reader feedback now and then, I never really knew whether my column made any difference or whether anyone cared. But, as it often happens in life, now and then someone comes along who touches you in a very special way and makes it all worthwhile. John McVitty was a spirit-filled, elderly gentleman who was madly in love with Bessie--his wife of sixty years. He, more than any man I ever met, loved and adored his wife--whom he called affectionately, “Mommy.”

ObamaCare Abortions: Will Catholics Vote for Him A Second Time?

During the last presidential election, Catholics voted by a margin of 55-45% for the most pro-death President in history. Of course, he started out by covering up the crucifix at Georgetown before delivering a speech, so as not to offend Muslims or Atheists, proceeded to declare that "America is not a Christian nation,", then bowed before a Saudi king. Therefore, should we be surprised when this secular humanist, pro-abortion President now attacks religious freedom by backing regulations which force Catholic hospitals--against their will and the tenets of their religion--to fund and or even perform abortions or risk sanctions and closure?

Rick Perry Drops Out Of GOP Race

-Satire- An Exclusive Report by Hugh Betcha, Ace Reporter It was a cold and blustery day in downtown Wynstone, South Dakota—where the air is clean, the crime rate low, and the people vote red—as Hugh Betcha, Ace Reporter for the Stoos Views International Media Conglomerate shoveled the Global Warming off his driveway and chipped it off the windshield of his F-250 pickup. As the diesel engine turned over reluctantly in the 20 below air, Hugh received a rather unexpected call. But, then again, Hugh—winner of the 2012 “Most Trusted Name in News” awarded by MSNBC, and a man who walks with kings and princes, with unique access to both sides of the aisle in Foggy Bottom--was used to the unexpected. With easy access to Ahmadinejad, Obama, Putin, and other world leaders, it was not unusual for Hugh to receive calls from political figures, despots and socialists, like the President, at any hour of the day. After all, if you wanted to make headlines, Betcha was the man to call.

The Christmas Candle

Dickens could have been writing about my father, William Christian Stoos, when he said of Scrooge that he knew how to keep Christmas well. Dad was the Spirit of Christmas in our household. Each year he anticipated the holiday with a childlike glee. Although a stoic man, and deeply spiritual, he became a child at Christmas time—his favorite time of the year. Whether it was the gaudy Christmas tree with its 2,000 lights that warmed our cozy house, the pine candles and exotic incense that filled it with the wonderful scent of Christmas, the ice tree he made each year in the front yard, or the pile of presents under the tree, which he and Mom worked so hard to buy--Dad reveled in the trappings and the spirit of Christmas. Whatever adversity the year may have brought previously was forgotten, for nothing mattered more than this season. It was, for him, a time of joy, wonder, and mystery, but most of all --togetherness.

Retailing in the Age of Political Correctness: “MERRY X-MAS!”  From Your X-Customer

It was December of 2007, in The Age of Political Correctness. As I drove to town from my house in the country, I passed by the local high school with its brand new $10,000 electronic sign—used to advertise school events like sports, drama, musicals, or the beginning day of vacation. “Pretty cool,” I thought as I watched the time of day and school events flash across the screen. As I passed by, something caught my eye. The sign read:

Merry Politically Correct X-Mas from Obama

- And Exclusive Report from Stoos Views’ Hugh Betcha In the spirit of the season, Stoos Views’ own star reporter Hugh Betcha, head of the Stoos Views’ Religious Freedoms Bureau, winner of the 2011 “Most Trusted Name in Reporting” award and a man who walks with kings and princes, with regular access to the White House, flew his private jet to Foggy Bottom to wish his old friend Barack a Merry Christmas, before the President flew off after his family to enjoy the 139th vacation of his presidency.

The Simple Faith of Humble Men

(Originally appearing in the Manchester Union Leader) “Thus out of small beginnings greater things have been produced by His hand. And as one small candle may light a thousand, so the light here kindled hath shone to many. Let the glorious name of Jehovah have all the praise.” (William Bradford, Governor of Plymouth County, 1621) Thankful they assembled there, A humble Pilgrim band, To praise their God in silent prayer That He should bless their land.

Chew on This!  Hugh Betcha Confronts Anti-Tobacco Chewing Senators at World Series

On the eve of the 2011 World Series, a group of Democratic Senators, consisting of Dick Durbin (IL), Frank Lautenberg (NJ), Richard Blumenthal (CT), and Tom Harkin (IA) urged the major league baseball players union to impose upon its members to give up the time honored tradition of tobacco chewing while playing baseball or on camera. Insisting that the use of tobacco by the players sets a bad example for youngsters watching the game, the quartet, backed by certain public health interest groups and other associations, by implication, suggested that the government may impose stronger measures if the players did not follow their gentle urgings. Dispatched from Stoos Views Headquarters, in sunny Wynstone, South Dakota, where the air is clean, the folks are friendly, the crime rate is low and people vote red, Hugh Betcha—Chief of the Stoos Views International Health Bureau and Winner of the 2011 Nobel Prize for Public Interest Reportage--hopped the first puddle jumper out of town and flew to St. Louis to meet the Fearless Foursome outside the stadium where the first game was to be played this week. He found the four Senators huddled over a hand warmer outside the stadium, their picket signs resting against the burning barrel.

Stoos Views’ Hugh Betcha Interviews CORPS (Constantly Overflowing Rivers, Ponds and Streams)

- Satire As the Missouri floodwaters destroy or damage hundreds of homes and businesses, degrade infrastructure, close major highways, and cause untold needless disruption of human lives--even approaching beautiful Wynstone, SD, headquarters of the Stoos Views Media Conglomerate and home of Ace Reporter Hugh Betcha--Hugh was dispatched to investigate the matter. His mission: to interview Missouri River politicians and the Chief of the CORPS (Constantly Overflowing Rivers, Ponds and Streams) of Engineers to see what they have done to save those remaining homes that have not yet been destroyed or damaged by the outrageously high floodwaters released by the CORPS (Constantly Overflowing Rivers, Ponds and Streams) during the past two months.

The Double Whammy

After saving the plover, failing to anticipate that which any reasonable person would--that is, that the record snowfall this past winter in the ten states and two Canadian provinces that drain into the Missouri River Basin might just fill up all the reservoirs from Montana to South Dakota when it all melted (See: “I Hope the Plover are Happy" --Protecting People from Flooding by Flooding People, and Stoos Views)--and just when you thought that things could not get worse, FEMA and the Corps have now teamed up in an effort to deny folks insurance under the National Flood Insurance Program (NFIP).

I hope the plover are happy

A year or so ago, I talked to a park ranger in Yankton, South Dakota, while watching the Missouri River from an overlook near Yankton. I casually asked the ranger why the Corps was holding back so much water in the spring. “To protect the plover,” he replied--as if it were common knowledge. “The what?” I inquired. “The plover--it is a shore bird that nests along the Missouri. If they let out too much water in the spring, it drowns out their nests and kills the baby birds. So the Corps holds it back to allow the birds to hatch.” How noble, I thought--we hold back mighty waters to protect bird life.

Luigi and the Shroud of Turin

From the book The Wind and the Spirit © 2011 William Kevin Stoos--coming this summer The man in the cloth looks incredibly lonesome, as if every one of his friends abandoned him in the moment of his greatest need. And sad—sad for all time, as if the weight of the whole world were upon his shoulders. There is an eternal pensiveness in his death pose. The stabbing thorns that cut so unkindly into his scalp and the blood that flowed from his head are visible, indelible. They are vivid, tangible signs of the once painful wounds that hurt no more.

Punching the tar baby

One of my favorite childhood fables was the Wonderful Tar Baby Story. Based loosely on an African folk tale, this story by the fictional Uncle Remus featuring the cunning Brer Fox and the resourceful Brer Rabbit, contains a valuable lesson for our recent intervention in Libya. Perhaps our leaders would do well to revisit this story before committing ourselves to deeper involvement in this bizarre and risky adventure. With apologies to Uncle Remus, I will paraphrase the story for those who may not be familiar with it. The sly old Brer Fox, intent on catching Brer Rabbit, decided to construct a large doll—The Tar Baby—out of tar and turpentine, put a hat on it, and set it on a log by the side of the road. Retreating to a concealed position on the other side of the road, the fox sat silently waiting for the rabbit to come along.