William Kevin Stoos

I Just Simply Want to be A Good Hu-Person Being

Copyright © 2021 William Kevin Stoos I remember law school lecturers With choice of words meticulous Who strained to speak so gender-free They sounded quite ridiculous. They never said just “him” or “her,” “Him/her” was always used; Nor said they “he,” they used “he/she,” Lest they became abused By a group of vocal students (Of the feminist persuasion) Who hung upon their ev’ry word And hissed on each occasion When that poor ‘ole harried law School prof dared to slip and render Any noun or pronoun of the solely male gender.

Hugh Betcha Obtains Leaked Confirmation Questions of Senator Mazie Moron-o Of Hawaii

-- Satire Ace Reporter Hugh Betcha of the Canada Free Press has obtained through confidential sources close to the Senator a partial list of questions which Senator Moron-o of Hawaii intends to ask at the confirmation hearing of Amy Coney Barrett . In the interest of the public’s right to know, these are set forth in part here. It is clear that the Senator had planned some more hard hitting follow up questions after grilling the nominee yesterday about such relevant matters as to whether the good judge has ever sexually harassed or assaulted anyone, to wit:

Good Catholic Joe Biden Vows to Trounce Little Sisters of the Poor  

-- Satire For over 150 years an international group of Catholic nuns and other religious have taken a vow to minister to the elderly poor in dozens of countries around the world. They believe in the worth and sanctity of every person including, most of all, those who are considered by others to be weak and worthless. However these godly and humble women who devoted their whole lives to providing love, comfort and support to the poor elderly whom they serve are, unfortunately, politically incorrect. They believe in the sanctity of life from the womb to the grave. And they do not believe in abortion or contraception.

Hugh Betcha Interviews Former Dixie Twits Ditzy Twits/Twits

-- Satire After suffering self-inflicted wounds by gratuitously declaring that they were ashamed of President Bush while performing overseas in 2003, the ever politically-correct country all girl group the Twits were interviewed by Ace Reporter Hugh Betcha of the Mighty Canada Free Press this week. In an effort to remain relevant they explained their recent name changes. “We used to be the Dixie Twits as you know,” explained Hattie Lea Bumfus, leader of the group, “but someone suggested that being from Dixie was not cool or politically correct, so we immediately decided to try to remain relevant and cool by changing our name to Ditzy Twits. We sure do not want people to think we are racist, so we dropped ‘Dixie’. “Ditzy” seemed appropriate because we are all air heads and ditzes anyway, “she giggled.

National Peanut Growers Association Saves Washington Redskins Franchise!

-- Satire Lance LeGume, President of the National Redskin Peanut Growers Association, in a recent exclusive interview with Ace Reporter Hugh Betcha of the Canada Free Press, announced a stunning new development: the Washington Redskins football franchise will be soon be purchased by the National Redskin Peanut Growers Association for an undisclosed sum which will allow the franchise to retain the franchise name and change the team logo slightly to remove any suggestion of political incorrectness.

WHEN A.O.C. RUNS THE EPA….

-- Satire Hugh Betcha, Ace Reporter for the Mighty Canada Free Press and winner of the 2020 Environmental Reporter of the Year Award by Greenpeace, interviewed AOC, who will head the EPA after President [God Help Us] Biden takes office in 2021. AOC shared her proposed radical regulations to take effect on the day of the election.  In an effort to curb methane emissions from livestock who shamelessly pollute the air with their gaseous exhaust, endanger the ozone layer, melt the polar icecaps and raise the average ambient temperature of the planet by one one-thousandth of a degree per decade, AOC has proposed that the federal government  impose a per head gas tax on cattle and other livestock.  Until the E.P.A. implements such a rule, livestock remain free to pass gas without fear of federal intervention. 

Pelosi and Schiff to Impeach Dead Presidents

-- Satire When the Speaker of the House wants to announce something momentous, her first call goes to Hugh Betcha, Ace Reporter of the Mighty Canada Free Press. Hugh, winner of the coveted Rachael Maddow “Conservative Reporter I Hate Most 2020 Award” and a man respected by both sides of the aisle in Foggy Bottom, was only too happy to oblige. Within two hours of her call, the reporter flew his private jet from Wynstone, South Dakota to Washington D.C. and was pressed into service by the Speaker who was removing paintings from the halls of Congress. “Here, grab this,” Pelosi told him as she handed down a portrait of a former Speaker of the House from atop a ladder. Hugh obliged.

Pelosi's Ice Cream Treats to Unemployed Workers and Small Business Owners

-- Satire "It came to me during the Late Late Show with James Corden," Pelosi told Ace Reporter Hugh Betcha, "that I must do something for the poor people of the country and the struggling small business owners—we are all in this together." Managing to struggle through this period of self-imposed isolation and dutifully following the President's directive to hunker down and practice social distancing, Pelosi continued speaking to Hugh through the two-way intercom attached to the ten foot wall of her mansion in San Francisco.

Uncle Sugar’s Wagon of Economic Happiness

He was a "Democratic Socialist"--whatever that is--who offered the people free stuff--free education, free medical care, free welfare benefits to all who crossed over the border, reparations for anyone who was a victim of anything,  and many other free things. His promises flowed like honey and his cult like following--Sandersnistas--were captivated by his words.  "The State," he said, "will take care of you." His message was alluring and they wanted to believe. His name was Sanders, but some called him simply, Sandersclaus.  Others, called him affectionately, Uncle Sugar. 

Biden's Exclusive Interview With Hugh Betcha of the Mighty Canada Free Press

Satire “Good to see you” Biden said as he stepped sprightly out of his NO MALARKEY bus in Sioux City, Iowa to meet Ace Reporter Hugh Betcha of the Mighty Canada Free Press for an exclusive interview prior to the Iowa caucuses. “Great to be here in Sioux City, Ohio,” he beamed.

Unborn Baby Eagles

“Don't fail to rescue those who are doomed to die. Don't say, "I didn't know it!"  God can read your mind. He watches each of us and knows our thoughts. And God will pay us back for what we do.” (Proverbs 24:11-12--Contemporary English Version) Since 1973 when two women, prompted (some might say, used) by their activist radical women’s rights attorneys, challenged laws prohibiting abortions and won¹, nearly 50 million unborn and nearly born babies have been killed. That is nearly 16% of the current population of the United States. Fifty million babies who had no choice were sacrificed on the Altar of Choice—proving that when activist attorneys with no moral grounding argue cases before activist judges with no moral grounding, bad things happen.

A Clear, Cold Night

Christmas was, for me, a clear, cold night. I grew up in a small Midwestern town during the 50s and 60s. There was never a better place or time to grow up. Of that I was certain. And my perfect childhood was never more perfect than at Christmas. I had a Peter Billingsley, Christmas Story Christmas every year. I was that chubby little kid with the horn rimmed glasses and nerdy clothes with the three buckle snow boots who wished for and got the Red Ryder BB gun on his ninth Christmas.

Hard Left Turn--We did not leave the Democrat Party, It Left Us

“Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.” —John F. Kennedy “Free health care, free college, free medical for illegal aliens, open borders, reparations, and guaranteed income for all Americans.”—Democrat Platform 2020?”

Alexandria Occasionally-Coherent (AOC) Announces Reparations Plan

When Alexandria Occasionally-Coherent wants to create news, she calls for a press conference. But when she wants to grab a headline she does what every smart politician does--she calls ace reporter Hugh Betcha of the mighty Canada Free Press. Hugh, who walks with kings and princes, is widely respected on both sides of the aisle in Washington, and recently won the coveted MSNBC "Conservative Reporter We Most Admire 2019" award was happy to oblige. Occasionally-Coherent, author of Move Over Grandma--The Socialist Case Against Speaker Pelosi (Marxist Press, 2019), and We Can Just Walk--The Case Against Gasoline, (Little Golden Books, 2019), was anxious to announce her reparations plan for the country.

Unborn Baby Eagles

“Don't fail to rescue those who are doomed to die. Don't say, "I didn't know it!"  God can read your mind. He watches each of us and knows our thoughts. And God will pay us back for what we do.” (Proverbs 24:11-12--Contemporary English Version) Since 1973 when two women, prompted (some might say, used) by their activist radical women’s rights attorneys, challenged laws prohibiting abortions and won, more than 50 million unborn and nearly born babies have been killed.

Ivan's Red Star Station

“The U.S.S.R. has announced plans to construct a natural gas pipeline from Siberia to West Germany. The pipeline is expected to be operational by 1984.” (November 16, 1981). [William Kevin Stoos, Manchester Union Leader, 1981] Wolfgang drove up to The Sign of the Star And a smiling attendant Leaned into his car. (He wore a Red Star On his fuzzy brown cap And a Misha-Bear patch Over each pocket flap.)

Opioid Abuse and the Prescription Monitoring Program

The Iowa Prescription Monitoring Program (PMP) is designed to provide patient specific prescription data to individuals authorized by Iowa Code (IC) section 124.553(1)(a) and 657 Iowa Administrative Code (IAC) Chapter 37. A prescriber or pharmacist is authorized to request a Patient Rx History Report on an individual only if: (a.) The request is for the purpose of providing medical treatment or pharmaceutical services; and, (b.) The prescriber or pharmacist has a current practitioner-patient relationship or is initiating a practitioner-patient relationship with the individual named in the request.

“Jihadi Jane” Lands a New Gig-- (Kathy Griffin to Entertain ISIS)

-- Satire “Americans just don’t appreciate good humor these days,” lamented Kathy Griffin in a hastily planned phone interview with Hugh Betcha, Ace Reporter for the StoosViews International Media Conglomerate. Hugh, winner of the CNN award for “Conservative Reporter We Would Most Like to Hang With, 2017,” a reporter respected on both sides of the aisle in Foggy Bottom, who walks with kings and princes-- recently returning from the Mideast where he was asked to secretly broker a peace treaty between the Palestinians and Israel--is the go to guy when Hollywood wants publicity.

The Hard Left Turn

The candidate was a man of great courage. A decorated war hero, he was nearly killed in combat. He risked life and limb to save his comrades and never left their side. He was a true patriot in every sense of the word. After his military service, he devoted his life to public service.

Hillary to Ohio, West Virginia, Kentucky and Pennsylvania Coal Miners: "McDonald's is Hiring!"

When Hillary Clinton spoke at an Ohio town hall meeting during her primary campaign earlier this year, her flippant remark that she would "put a lot of coal miners outta work," if she is elected President, was as welcome to coal miners as a skunk at a picnic. In an effort to un-ding the bell and reverse the political damage caused by her remarks (undoubtedly one of the reasons that 30,000 Democrats in Pennsylvania switched to the GOP in recent months) she quickly reversed herself with an equally clumsy statement that she "misspoke"[sic] when she said she would put a lot of miners out of work.