Copyright © 2020 William Kevin Stoos
William Kevin Stoos (aka Hugh Betcha) is a writer, book reviewer, and attorney, whose feature and cover articles have appeared in the Liguorian, Carmelite Digest, Catholic Digest, Catholic Medical Association Ethics Journal, Nature Conservancy Magazine, Liberty Magazine, Social Justice Review, Wall Street Journal Online and other secular and religious publications. He is a regular contributing author for The Bread of Life Magazine in Canada. His review of Shadow World, by COL. Robert Chandler, propelled that book to best seller status. His book, The Woodcarver (]And Other Stories of Faith and Inspiration) © 2009, William Kevin Stoos (Strategic Publishing Company)—a collection of feature and cover stories on matters of faith—was released in July of 2009. It can be purchased though many internet booksellers including Amazon, Tower, Barnes and Noble and others. Royalties from his writings go to support the Carmelites. He resides in Wynstone, South Dakota.
-Satire
After receiving a frantic call from the beleaguered President of Iran requesting a meeting with the most trusted journalist in America, Stoos Views' on ace reporter and Chief of the Middle East News Bureau, Hugh Betcha, was dispatched to Tehran to meet the President under the cover of darkness at his office.
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“Gawd, I really looked like a b**ch!” exclaimed Mrs. Barbara Boxer, a California politician who occupies a political office in Washington, D.C., as she watched a replay of her disrespectful interruption of Brig. Gen. Michael Walsh, of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, during his testimony on the Hurricane Katrina restoration process. The General--who has served his country admirably, risked his life and limb, and devoted his life to preserve the lady’s freedom to disrespect him and others in uniform who are trained to refer to ladies as “Ma’am” and gentlemen as “Sir”--was rudely “dressed down” as they say in the military, as he dared to preface an answer to one of Boxer's questions with a polite "Ma'am."
-Satire
This year, it was not even close. By unanimous vote of the editorial board of Stoos Views, the "Male Chauvinist Pig of the Year, 2009" award goes to the formerly funny David Letterman. Known for his rapier wit, biting sarcasm, and shrill, left leaning political commentary, Letterman's recent hilarious joke about the statutory rape of Sarah Palin's 14-year-old daughter by an adult baseball player, set a new low for late night humor and had both his studio audience and the nation rolling in the aisles once more.
Mr. and Mrs. Jones
Main Street
Anywhere, USA
Re: The Death of Your Son, Private Jones
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Jones:
As President of the United States, the hardest thing I have to do is send young men and women into combat. Tragically, some die defending our freedoms. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your son in Afghanistan.
Having never served in the military, knowing nothing about the military, being a rather naive lawyer and community organizer, and having two daughters who I will never send into harm's way, I cannot imagine how hard it is to lose a brave Marine like your son. Please accept my sincerest condolences for your loss and be assured our thoughts and prayers are with you at this time.
God bless the captives--Laura Ling and Euna Lee--the two young women journalists who were arrested, railroaded, and convicted by the highest court in North Korea for unspecified "hostile acts" [sic] against the government of North Korea. The idea of spending twelve years in some hell hole at the mercy of the crazy, missile toting screwball who runs that country, should cause us all to say our prayers for these two young ladies that they return to us soon and in good health. They are going to need all the help they can get.
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In a stunning reversal of his position that the alleged torture films would not be revealed to the public in order to protect service personnel overseas from further danger and to avoid adverse publicity in the Muslim world, President Obama held a private showing of the torture films this week for Stoos Views’ ace reporter and Obama favorite, Hugh Betcha.
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No sooner had Former Democrat/Former Republican/Now Democrat Senator Arlen Specter (“Specter the Defector” as he was known in the halls of Congress) abandoned the Republican ship, than he got a surprise call from President Obama welcoming him to the ranks of the Democratic Party. Stoos Views’ own White House Correspondent, Hugh Betcha was invited to listen over a speaker phone in the Oval Office.
“Welcome back, Arley,” the President said, grinning widely, “it is nice to have you back in the fold. I guess my campaign message of “Hope” and “Change” hit home, huh?” “Thank you Mr. President,” Specter replied, “I appreciate your kind words.
-Satire
Concerned about the creeping secular humanist bent displayed by the former “President Obama,” Stoos Views ace reporter Hugh Betcha, Head of the World Religious News Desk, called the President for an exclusive interview. As usual, the audience was granted. But something was different about this one. Frisked by members of Obama’s Domestic Security Force for the presence of any religious paraphernalia, Hugh was forced to check his crucifix and IHS tie tack at the front door of the Oval Office before entering.
“It’s ‘Obama The Secular’ now,” the former President declared as the pair sat down to discuss Obama’s recent repudiation of all things religious. “That is how I will be referred to in the future. I am signing an Executive Order to this effect today. Let the word go out from this time and place so that all shall know me by my new title.” Pressed as to why Obama ordered the monogram “IHS,” an ancient symbol for the name “Jesus,” to be boarded over during a recent speech at Georgetown this month, the former President was rather direct. “Simple,” he said, “when I make a major policy speech I do not want the press or the audience distracted by Jesus and God stuff--you know.
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President Obama, back from his South American summit in Trinidad, called Stoos Views World News Desk reporter and Pugilist Prize winning journalist, Hugh Betcha, at his home in Wynstone, South Dakota, to set the record straight on his recent encounter with Venezuelan President, Dictator for Life, and Petroleum Magnate, His Rotundity, Hugo Chavez, in Trinidad. And, it appears, all is not as it seems.
-Satire
Just back from his “World Groveling Tour” President Obama invited Stoos Views’ Chief White House Correspondent, Hugh Betcha, to his room at Bethesda Naval Hospital where Obama is recovering from self inflicted back injuries received while apologizing for the United States in Europe, the Middle East, and Turkey.
“I guess I overdid it with the Cat O’ Nine Tails last week,” the President admitted, “but I thought that a little medieval self flagellation would impress the Europeans and show them that we are truly sorry for all of our past sins. But, boy does that thing hurt,” he said, pointing to the painful lash wounds on his back which were being treated by the President’s doctors. The President, referring to the wounds received during one rather embarrassing moment when he took off his shirt and beat his back repeatedly with this bizarre torture device in a symbolic mea culpa for everything the United States has done the past two centuries, grimaced in pain as he closed his hospital gown. “While that was very painful,” he exclaimed, “I think the Europeans were impressed. I am sure they will like us now.”
With the stroke of a pen the Iowa Supreme Court has turned Iowa into a Mecca for gay marriage, redefined marriage for the people of Iowa and, most disturbing of all, overruled the will of the people. Perhaps--as a friend told me--this is their way of stimulating the Iowa economy, or just another example of judges dictating how the citizens of a sovereign state shall live. Either way, it is a bad decision and a bad precedent.
Satire
During her recent trip to Mexico to discuss the ban on Mexican truck traffic in the United States and the dangerous drug war that threatens to rip apart our neighbor to the south, a curiously incoherent Hillary Clinton blamed the United States for the current drug wars in Mexico, which threaten to spill over the border. Munching on a bag of Tostitos and garlic dip, she grinned widely as she deplaned. The curious odor of burnt oregano emanating from her official jet, she climbed down the stairs to meet the Mexican press corps.
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In a rare moment of candor and self introspection, Senator Chris “Always Interested in Gifts” Dodd, Chairman of the Senate Banking Committee, called Stoos Views today to confess that he is a “hypocritical, duplicitous no- good scam artist “ [sic] who has shaken down Fannie Mae, and Freddie Mac, obtained preferential loans from Countrywide, and was the beneficiary of $103,000 in contributions from A.I.G., during his recent 2008 Presidential election campaign. He used his interview with Stoos Views to announce his upcoming second offer of resignation.
In thirty-five years of defending lawsuits, one case sticks out more than the rest. I have thought about this case a lot lately. Perhaps the “2009 Pass the Pork Bill” signed by Obama which mortgages our great great grandkids’ future reminded me of this case. Perhaps it is the all-pervasive attitude in America that leads so many to think that, because they are taking in air, the government, or their fellow citizens, owes them a living, or owes them protection against their own stupidity or poor judgment.
The recent New York Post cartoon showing a police officer shooting dead a chimpanzee, immediately prompted a very public and very predictable display of indignation from the Right Reverend Al “Show Biz” Sharpton--who never met a camera he did not like or a cause too trivial to champion.
Of course, anyone who has read the news or watched TV in the past two days knows of the terrible tragedy involving a 200 pound pet chimp (owned by the most reckless person on the earth), which attacked and mauled a lady, who is now in serious condition--God bless her.
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Aging Grammy award-winning singer and Academy award-winning actress Cher recently told CNSNews.com that “living under Republican rule almost ‘killed’ her, and she does not understand why anyone would want to be a Republican.”[sic] The multi millionaire, much married, and largely irrelevant, vacuous singer/actress, who offered this unoriginal cheap shot against Bush and his party—so vogue among Hollywood celebs—has not done so badly under Republican and Democrat administrations over the last five decades; therefore no one was certain why she offered this commentary.
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It seems that the MSNBC Democratic attack dog duo of Chris “Tingle” Matthews and Keith “Mad Dog” Doberman, just cannot help themselves. After his partner, Chris “Tingle Down the Leg When I Hear Barack Speak” Mathews, won the coveted Stoos Views 2008 “Bambi Award” for “Most Fawning Over a Political Candidate by a National News Personality” for his smarmy reporting on Candidate Barack Obama during the recent Presidential Election, this time it was the number two Democrat shill, Doberman , who struck gold. This week, Stoos Views announced that its 2009 winner of the “Dead Horse Award” for “most unoriginal, repetitive, vitriolic national news reportage” went to none other than Keith Doberman. While it was Tingle’s drooling over Obama like a lovesick school girl during the 2008 election that won him the Bambi Award, it was Doberman’s gratuitous, nightly vitriol against George W. Bush—no longer in the Oval Office—that earned Doberman the much sought after award for beating an issue to death.
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As the Senate debates the stimulus package previously passed by the House, the issue appears to be not so much whether the economy needs to be stimulated, but what portion to stimulate. On that subject, Barney Frank, who, along with Chris Dodd engineered the FANNIE MAE-FREDDIE MAC debacle, has his own ideas. Stoos Views interviewed Frank this week on the subject of the current debate in Washington over how best to get the country moving again. It was, all in all, a rather bizarre interview.
Was it love at first sight or his own desire to run for public office some day that led Chris “Tingle” Matthews to drool over Barack Obama during the 2008 President election? Or was it a little of both? Whatever it was, Matthews, the proud recipient of the 2008 “Bambi” award for “Most Fawning Over a Politician by a National News Commentator,” makes no attempt to hide his man crush on the newly elected President.
“Sure the media is supposed to be dispassionate and report the news objectively,” Chris Matthews told Stoos Views today in a candid “tell all” interview about his man crush on the new President, “but, hey, that went out the window with this guy,” he said, smiling as he pointed to his autographed portrait of President Obama which hangs prominently in the “Obama Room” in Matthews’ home. “He is so freaking hot!” Matthews replied, like a love struck high school kid. “Like Al Roker said during the inauguration, ‘Obama is one good looking guy’ and ‘he is one president who can take his shirt off.’ Frankly, I would like to see more of that,” Matthews replied sheepishly. “Talk about a stimulus package..he’s it!”